Then you’re in luck, because here’s a video of a next-level filthy Shia LaBeouf looking like something that crawled out of Leo DiCaprio’s beard after a 12-hour fuck session with Marjory the Trash Heap while interpretive dance cage fighting the offspring of Jackie Rogers Jr. and a dirty pair of gas station nylons for Sia’s new song “Elastic Heart”. Sia says “You’re welcome.”
After dazzling us with her itchy-looking dramatic dumpster dance in the video for “Chandelier“, Sia once again called up Dance Moms star Maddie Ziegler, asked her if she still had that stained beige bodysuit and if she’d be willing to work with a human-sized bedbug, and brought her in to star in the video for “Elastic Heart”. The concept of which is…I’m not sure. Something about Shia LaBeouf being trapped in a giant cage with Maddie Ziegler in a world where there’s no soap and everyone expresses themselves through kicking. Sidenote: I had to get a tetanus shot last Sunday because I accidentally cut off part of my finger with a pair of kitchen scissors, and I don’t exactly know what tetanus is, but I think it’s whatever this video is. This video is tetanus.
And I really hope they recreate this video on Late Night with Seth Meyers like they did with “Chandelier”, because I really want to watch Lena Dunham get into a bonkers flailing-arms dance fight with a half-naked Shia LaBeouf. I’m not sure what that says about me. Actually, that could be a lingering side-effect from the tetanus shot.