Nick Cannon Turned Mariah Into Jesus

October 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Nick Cannon did not take my advice and turn his enormously elegant “Mariah” tattoo into an altar to Marion Ross from Happy Days. But then again, Nick replaced the “Mariah” on his back with a gigantic Jesus tattoo and Marion Ross is a messiah, so maybe he took my advice after all.

Nick and Mimi have yet to file papers to legally put down their marriage, but she’s not on his back anymore. Nick Cannon celebrated his birthday early at Playhouse in Hollywood last night by pressing the play button on his iPod. During his set, Nick took off his top and took everyone to the Church of Potent Class by showing off the humongous ass Jesus tattoo on his back. Playhouse threw up a few videos of a topless Nick Cannon on Instagram and The Daily Mail says that the blurriness on his back is a tattoo of Jesus on the cross.  I can’t really make out Nick’s Jesus tattoo, but maybe that’s a good thing.

TMZ says that Nick’s rumored side piece Amber Rose was at Playhouse last night, but she was all over a different Nick. Random has a new favorite couple, because Amber left Playhouse with Gene Simmons’ son, the talk drink of tongue that is Nick Simmons. Amber only talked to Nick Cannon for a few and I’m guessing Nick told her that she should follow his lead and bible-ify the terrifying Wiz Khalifa tattoo on her arm by turning it into a stoned satyr tattoo.

I bet Mimi thinks Nick’s Jesus back tattoo is still a tribute to her. Because at the Hello Kitty Bible School, students are taught that in 1970, Jesus was reincarnated into a Long Island caterpillar and that caterpillar later transformed into a yodeling, glitter butterfly we all know as Mariah Carey. Mimi IS the second coming.

If you’re wondering how Mimi is doing. She’s doing more than fine. This morning, the Butterfly Hello Kitty Rainbow Unicornie Empress Instagramm’d a picture of her newest and truest soulmate:

hellokittychampagnemimi

If that bottle of Hello Kitty champagne came in a Spanx carrying bag, it would be Mimi’s trifecta of perfection. Nick who? Mimi has already moved onto her real love.

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