Chris Martin And Jennifer Lawrence Are Doing It

August 15, 2014 / Posted by:

And yes, those are the faces they make while doing it.

So, I was lying in a half-coma after getting throat fucked by a scope (the scope and are going to have burritos at Chipolte later and do it again in my car) and an alert from E! popped up on my phone that I thought read: Chris Martin and Joey Lawrence Are Seeing Each Other. The image of Joey Lawrence blurting out “Whoah!” while Chris Martin tongue bones him temporarily cured all my ails. But Chris Martin and Joey Lawrence aren’t touching nipples. Chris Martin and America’s Former Sweetheart (sorry, but Chris Pratt owns the title now) Jennifer Lawrence are. Several sources tell E! News that Chris and Jennifer have been dating since late June. I guess he has a thing for Oscar-winning blondes who can get on a bitch’s nerve and she has a thing for British dudes with eyebrow situations that need to be tamed.

Heat (via People) says that at a Coldplay concert in July, 24-year-old JLaw and 37-year-old Chris Martin were flirting for two hours.

Well, leave it to the definition of “random” to shit up a couple on a Friday.

So while Goopy Paltrow is using lube made from the saliva of a Red-Crowned Crane to elegantly make love to that Glee dude on a cashmere-covered mattress stuffed with the feathers of baby swans as members of the actual London Philharmonic play Verdi in the corner, Chris Martin is fucking Jennifer Lawrence on the sticky wrappers of the Big Macs they just ate. And you know they fart a lot while fucking. Or actually, maybe they don’t bone at all, because every time he opens his mouth to speak, she falls into a coma.

These two don’t make any sense, but I’m still for it. Because Jennifer Lawrence will totally take Apple and Moses to McDonald’s and sneak them Snickers and shit. And anything that makes Goopy seethe can only be good!

Here’s Martin Lawrence separately leaving the after-party for Coldplay’s show in London last July.

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