Blake NotSoLively Still Wants To Be Martha Stewart

August 7, 2014 / Posted by:

The Cell Block Grand Dame of Shade and Bitchiness, Martha Stewart, said, “Let her try,” and, “She could an actress,” when HuffPo asked her what she thinks about Blake Lively wanting to be the next her. Martha said she wasn’t being facetious and others didn’t take her comments as shady, but it’s Martha Stewart. She definitely wrapped those comments in a mint green bow made of subtle bitchiness. Blake took a break from handwriting her next editor’s letter on the same kind of parchment paper that Mark Twain used to use to tell Marc Malkin of E! News what she thinks about Martha’s words.

Blake said that she’s still an “actress,” but “curating” artisan products is her passion and if reading the word “curating” makes you want to heave over a toilet, you should go and do that now. Are you back? Did you remember to put an artisanal mint in your mouth?

The least popular color in the Crayon box said that acting and curating dumb shit are both passions of hers and she’s going to do both.

“I want to have my own path professionally and even as she said, I’m an actress. I’m doing something totally different so now I sort of have two careers going on and it’ll be interesting to see how it all pans out. But really what it is, is I have two passions. And I think ultimately, I will always be doing both, but one is going to be paying the bills better than the other.

It’s what I know better than acting so being in this space is something I’ve done my whole life, just not professionally. So now it’s something that I get to share with more people. I’ve been sharing it with friends forever. I didn’t even tell most friends that I was doing it because they still get their own curated products and gifts from me. I’m that girl.”

If you ever want to play an impossible game of “Don’t Say Anything Cunty” with someone, read them every single one of those lines that Blake mumbled out of her mouth. It’s impossible to not spit out something bitchy, because Blake makes it so easy. I mean, “It’s what I know better than acting” and “…they still get their own curated products and gifts from me.” Too. Too. Easy.

And SPOILER ALERT: I’m pretty sure Ryan Reynolds and her sister, who will give her a piece of her Teen Witch money, will pay the bills.

As for Martha, Blake said that she does want to be Martha Stewart, because everybody wants to be Martha Stewart.

“Who doesn’t want to be Martha Stewart? Martha Stewart has been a huge inspiration to me my entire life. She’s a huge source of inspiration for my mom. She’s how I came to know and love Martha. I always say that Martha Stewart Living is the only magazine I ever had growing up. I never had Tiger Beat or any of that stuff.”

I was the #1 bullied kid in my school and if Blake came to my school and told me she only read Martha Stewart Living, I’d bully her ass.

And sometime today, Uncle Terry will call Blake up and say, “So I heard you want to be just like Martha Stewart,” while running his sticky finger along the picture he took of his peen on Martha Stewart’s cheek.

Pic: Getty

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