Or at least a dog cookie shaped like a rose. Hell, I’m sure she would have been happy with a red-colored tennis ball thrown back and forth till she got tired and passed out under that tacky rental furniture from Pier 1.
On last night’s premiere of the 18th Season of ABC’s The Bachelor (aka ABC’s Tournament of Sad, Ring-Hungry Women) Juan Pablo, former Venezuelan soccer player and future recipient of creepy sexts from Kris Jenner, was presented with 27 ladies from across the country to fall in love with and make beautiful Us Weekly covers with. As is Bachelor tradition, it was a diverse group of women ranging from 24 to 27 years old with either blonde or brunette hair extensions and job titles like Mineral Coordinator, Free Spirit, Former NBA Dancer (all creative ways to say unemployed) but one contestant in particular stood out:
No, not the one wearing Beyonce’s old pillow bump; it was Molly the Dog. Of course, Molly didn’t come alone (I assume that regardless of licking her own b-hole and eating vomit, Molly would have more self-respect and dignity than to apply for The Bachelor on her own). Molly was brought by Kelly, a ‘dog lover’ from Conyers, GA (for real, that was her job description) and I felt bad for Kelly, because it’s only a matter of time before Juan Pablo hands Kelly a rose and says “Kelly…will you do me a favor and give this rose to Molly? I think she’s outside taking a shit and I didn’t want to bother her”.
Aside from being the most interesting, she also had the hottest entrance of the night (second hottest was Lauren S’s clumsy ride up the driveway on that goddamned piano bike. I didn’t think inanimate objects could look humiliated, but that piano proved me wrong). Instead of showing up in a cheap-looking chiffon disaster from a David’s Bridal fire sale like the rest of those slags, Molly gracefully exited the limo wearing a bandanna that said JUAN PABLO (which is the dog equivalent to getting the name of the guy you just did body shots with airbrushed on your shirt during spring break):
Further proof she’s the hottest bitch in the game: Molly left the limo, walked right past Juan Pablo, made a beeline for the kitchen, and when they called her name to get her to come back, she gave them a dirty ‘You don’t own me’ look. This is a down bitch who cares less about dresses, champagne, and one-on-one time and more about dinner and farting on the couch. Lock that shit down, Juan Pablo!