Poor, poor Alec Baldwin. Everybody is out to get him and as driven him away from Twitter and is driving his ass away from acting. Alec buried his Twitter account for good last week after a “toxic little queen” from The Daily Mail falsely claimed that his wife Hilaria Baldwin was tweeting about dumb shit during James Gandolfini’s funeral. Alec also quit Twitter because it’s kind of hard to to tweet when both of your hands are nailed to the cross. Even @itsjesusbitch couldn’t’ do it.
At the opening of the Rock Paper Photo collection, which Alec “curated,” in NYC last night, Vanity Fair asked him if he’s ever going to make a grand return to Twatter and he said that he had a Twitter revelation while at James Gandolfini’s funeral.
Never. No. I went to Jimmy Gandolfini’s funeral, and when I was there I realized Jimmy Gandolfini didn’t have Twitter. Jimmy Gandolfini was so beloved as a person, and he was so admired as an actor, and he didn’t give a fuck about social media.
I really learned a lesson at the funeral. I said to myself, This is all a waste of time. Meaning it’s fun sometimes, but less and less, and less. It’s just another chink (Ed. note: RACIST!) in your armor for people to come and kill you. I stopped and said to myself, I’m going to try where I just don’t do this anymore.
If Twitter is on your brain while you’re at your friend’s funeral, you’re doing memorializing wrong. THIS BITCH’s finger is probably hovering over the reactivate button right now. Twitter’s least favorite cranky bitch old uncle will be back.
Alec went on to say that he’d really love to take his final bow and quit the acting game forever:
I’m having a baby. And everyone has seen how certain things have played out with my daughter, which as been very painful—it’s been really unpleasant. That has consequences, and I do not want that to happen with my next child. I have one dream in my life and that is that this daughter I’m having—she comes to me about seven or eight years from now, she has a friend, and she’s at her house and she says, “Daddy, Susie’s mom says you used to be on TV. Daddy, is that true?” She has no knowledge of me as a public person. That would be heaven for me.
So is he really quitting acting?
I’d love to if I could, yeah. That would be the greatest thing in the world.
I see what Alec is doing here. He’s doing what I do when a boyfriend dumps my ass and kicks me out when I don’t want to be dumped or kicked out. You know, I scream about how I’m so happy he finally freed me from his dumb ass and then I slowly (really slowly) pack my stuff while telling him that he better not try to stop me and I’m totally leaving forever and I’m changing my number but I’m changing it tomorrow so if he wants to call me he better call tonight but I probably won’t answer the phone and I’m really leaving this time but I have to take a shower for the road first and I’m going to leave the bathroom door unlocked in case he wants to come in and apologize to me and I’m really leaving after that. Meanwhile, he’s just standing there holding the front door for me.
Alec is not done with Twitter and he’s not done with acting. If he quit acting and moved to the middle of nowhere, he wouldn’t have any paps to scream at and he wouldn’t be able to call Daily Mail writers “toxic little queens” on Twitter when they write some fake story about his trophy wife. Screaming at bitches is Alec’s oxygen.