The Fat Batman Of Bradford Lied To Us All

We can no longer safely walk the streets at night while thinking that a crime-stopping Fat Batman is watching over all of us, because a Fat Batman is not watching over all of us. He doesn’t exist! The world is without a Fat Batman.

Yesterday, a Fat Batman became a hero to us all when the police in West Yorkshire released footage from a security camera of him dragging a wanted criminal into the police station. The police released the stills, because they wanted to the thank the caped crusader for making Bradford a little safer. But the Fat Batman isn’t a hero and he isn’t even fat! 39-year-old Chinese takeaway delivery man Stan Worby pulled off the Batman mask and revealed that he’s the dude behind Fat Batman and he’s no crime stopper. Stan tells The Daily Telegraph that his friend of 15 years, 27-year-old Danny Frayne, needed a ride to the police station. Danny was wanted for fraud and for handling stolen goods, and so he wanted to turn himself in. Stan wore the Batman costume to a football match in London (because why not?) earlier in the night and thought it would be funny to wear it to the police station.

“Obviously it was done as a joke. He (Frayne) wanted to get straight down. Obviously I wanted my bed. It was half-one in the morning. At the end of the day it was a practical joke, just between me and Daniel.”

Stan says that the worst part of all of this is that everyone is calling him Fat Batman when he’s not even fat. Stan was wearing a track suit underneath his Batman costume, because it was cold outside. (Somewhere Kirstie Alley is memorizing the line, “I’m not fat, I’m just wearing a tracksuit under my clothes!“)

Mr Worby protested that he only looked overweight in CCTV images of the incident because he was wearing a tracksuit under the outfit to keep out the cold.

Explaining the apparent paunch seen on the footage of the episode, he said: “I’ve got my full tracksuit underneath. I’m not just wearing this – it’s too thin.”

The lies! I don’t know what hurts more: the fact that there isn’t a Fat Batman or the fact that the glorious mound of chunk hanging over his crotch is really just a scrunched-up tracksuit.