FYI: Jessica Simpson Can't Stay Away From Eric Johnson's Peen
Before Jessica Simpson gave birth to an adorable human check worth $800,000, she told Ryan Seacrest that her piece's peen always has amniotic fluid dripping off of it because they were having them some pregnancy sex all the time. Well, Jessica tells People (via DM) that giving birth four weeks ago didn't temporarily curb her craving for her man's dick and she hopped on that shit three weeks after a baby came out of her body. Since Jessica had a c-section, her doctor told her to stay away from crotch bumping for six weeks so the wound could heal, but she did it anyway and of course had to tell us all about it.
"I've kind of broken one rule, I think I have the sexiest man in the world. So that's the rule I break."
Why do I have a feeling that copy of People is lying on Papa Joe's bathroom floor and that quote is circled with a thick black marker? DAMN YOU, Jessica.
I get where Jessica is coming from (no pun intended and you can send me your therapy bills for injecting that image into the projector in your head). Sometimes the dick you're leasing is so good that you just want to hop on it and ride until your c-section incision splits open and the flesh-eating bacterias get you. What else is Jessica supposed to do all day? She's no longer driving around through the Wendy's drive-thru all day and she's got a $4 million Weight Watchers contract to fulfill! So she's just humping and sucking her way to skinny. And when she needs a quick snack, she just dips Eric's peen in corn dog batter. It's only 4 Weight Watchers points!
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I have a good friend who is only 7 months younger than his brother. After his mom had her first baby, she had sex and became pregnant THE FIRST WEEK she was home. Then she had Daryl (my friend) two months premature. At least their birthdays gave them enough separation that they were a year apart in school.
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"Wait until the bitch finds the family of wombats living in her chocha." - MK
Yuck. *valley girl intonation* Shuuut up.
Lord, just keep your info to yourself.
Submitted by IrishFury on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 3:58pm.
My mother had 5 kids in 6 years - all single births. I was the baby. Holy moly. ____________________________
I've heard of "Irish twins" (10 months apart) but you are an "Irish sextuplet" for sure IF. Holy moly indeed!
edited: Obviously too early for thinking - I meant to say "Irish quintuplets".
The pages of Papa Joe's copy of People magazine are stuck together by a mysterious goo...Jessica can't figure it out what the substance is, so she decided to peel back the page abit and lick the stain, because she is really good at taste testing.
Jessica said it taste's similar to the yoplait yoghurt Papa Joe gives her all the time. Its Yoplait, french for mmmmmyyyummmm.
I laugh because when I went back for my 6 week check my OB asked me how sex was. I said, Um, you told me no sex for 6 weeks. He chuckled and said Well usually no one listens to that. Not this girl-my husband wouldn't touch me until the Dr. gave me the ok. I respect him for putting my health about his needs. Also, I had a friend who tore so badly her vagina and rectum were no longer separated. Had she had sex in that 6 week timeframe she could've had some serious damage. So gross, there was actually poop in her vag. She had to have surgery to reconstruct the area and it was not pretty (which meant 3 months more of no sex). Lesson learned-listen to the Dr! And I know she had a c-section, but if your abdomen doesn't heal properly that means yours bowels, bladder, uterus etc. could be falling out in the bed during sex. Talk about a mood killer.
Nursing is an art:
and if it is to be made an art,
It requires an exclusive devotion
as hard a preparation,
as any painter´s or sculptor´s work;
Now that's what I would call a bloody mess!!
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www.dungeonhordes.com
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After reading some of these posts, I'm so glad I never became pregnant. It honestly seemed like she has been pregnant for many years.
I made the mistake of eating whilst reading this particular post/comments. Ugh...lol.
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How is it possible she's a daughter of a priest?! Unmarried, knocked up, sex-talk nonstop...
She MUST be trying to kill her dad??
.
Submitted by TheHeckler on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 1:04pm.
Moral issues aside… nah, that isn't how it would work. People like Chestica Simpleton would pop out dozens of sprogs because they have enough money to get whatever they want. Sort of like those honorary doctorates that colleges rush to give any celebrity who can spell their own name.
Us poor people would be the ones who got screwed over by that system unless we bankrupted ourselves to bribe the government. Nah, just leave Darwinism and natural selection to do its business. In the long run, it always works out.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
SANS FARD - eff that bitch on FB! People who do that shit are the ones that are the most miserable! I bet she cries at the bottom of a shower.
My man knows how I feel about him, I don't need to tell him 90 million times a week and vice versa.
Submitted by QueenieBK on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 3:50pm.
Submitted by Hockey fan on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 2:26pm.
Submitted by M.E. on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 1:28pm.
Oh HELL no! When I had my son by C-section my ex was in there and tried that standing up thing by the drape and the nurse sat his ass right back down. It's a liability I guess so common folk can't see what's happening in case it goes wrong. He did see a glimpse and got shaky and he's a damn full-on paramedic (not a band-aid only medic)!
I dunno. Normally having a kid means you two won't have hot sex for the next 14 years or so.
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Please: It's "rahnday."
@SANS FARDS
I hate your friend and I don't even know her. I HATE her and every other person on FB who does this. What I hate even worse are the couples who write on each other's wall professing thier love constantly, so everyone can see it. It's even more aggravating when they live together. Like you just couldn't walk 2 feet into the other room and tell them how much you love them?!____________________________________
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I cosign on this shit! I HATE this crap. My hubs doesn't do facebook, and I'm barely on it. I had getting all these updates from snuggy poo etc.
Yuck! I bet her c-section is oozing. Barf. I had a vaginal birth and waited two months for intercourse. I just kept bleeding like a struck pig for about a week. I did help my husband out in other ways if you know what I mean ;)
As for siblings, my husband's brother is nine months younger than him! Hubs is born in late July and his brother was born the following April! That is some scary stuff.
Submitted by TheHeckler on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 1:04pm.
Submitted by M.E. on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 12:59pm.
Reproduction should need a fucking license.
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If only that were the case. I think a big old mental/psychological test amongst a bunch of other tests should be required, especially in the case of mouth breathers like Simpleton
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^THIS^
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"If I can't be my own, i'd feel better dead"- Nutshell
He has that gray vegan skin tone. Ick....
No Jessica, he is not sexy at all.
Submitted by Datura on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 10:59am.
I was a skinny, pink preemie. I looked like an earthworm until I was two months old.
The poster formerly known as Snow Owl formerly known as Nightowl, is ready to PARTAY!!!
What I get from Jessica's comment - is she's looking for a way to avoid working off those 60 lbs she gained during her pregnancy.
Everyone knows how fertile her ass is right after birth. If she starts jumping right back on that peen the chances are high that she'll get pregnant quickly. That is of course if she doesn't get some type of infection or injury - which she is obviously willing to roll the dice on. If she gets pregnant again we'll have to go through another 13 months of her carrying a baby and she can continue to suck up food by the grocery bag. Weight Watchers will give her a pass - because she's pregnant - and they'll come off as insensitive if they expect her to continue as a spokesperson. She'll probably get to hold on to some of the money - with a promise that she'll use them right after her next birth.
So for Jessica it's a plus, plus -
Jessica continues to chow down
Her man continues to get a swollen head about how great a man lover he is
She gets another child - which she has admitted that being pregnant was the best thing that happened to her
And she gets to keep some of the dollars from the Weight Watchers contract
And there will be no pressure from anyone for her to get down to size
Hell, folks have gotten pregnant for crazier reasons that what she's about to pull off.
Why is it stupid braindead celebutards like this dumbass demand that you know every stupid detail about her life, like she's "so important"?
Dear Chestica Simpson: nobody on planet earth gives a shit about how you were horny when pregnant & fucked your husband/boyfriend/fiancee. Not one. Please get a clue...
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"Dammit, Pam, I've seen that, and now I can't unsee it. There's not enough liquor or therapy in the world to help me forget that..." - Archer
Submitted by jackie on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 5:25pm.
This chick changed so drastically. From virginal bride to fuckin her babydaddy hours after birth. Papa Joe raised her well.
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Do you think she learnt to keep fucking after she tears from Papa Joe?
Are we sure she's not just using Eric's peen to deep throat up a good vomit after polishing off a cheesecake for lunch? I know he'd make me gag.
Ahh, a classic oversharer. You can bet the family farm her sex life sucks and she's just exaggerating to make herself feel better.
This chick changed so drastically. From virginal bride to fuckin her babydaddy hours after birth. Papa Joe raised her well.
((BreakinMe)) sorry for all you've gone through...
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...the end
I haven't had sex since March. It is not that damn hard to go without. Had a miscarriage in late April. Was told no sex for at least two weeks. Totally not a huge deal.
I thought having a c-section was super painful you can't even sit straight. Sex so soon after birth can't feel good not to mention your body is still jacked up from having a baby.
KidL: I forgot about that post partum marathon BLEEDING. (don't know how I forgot but...). Oh god.
How old is her kid? She can't be done with it yet, can she?
I don't hate Jess,(not yet anyway)but I do NOT see why anyone would think her bf is good looking!
And really, stop with the sexytime talk!
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...the end
So sexy looking after a c section. And I didn't gain a third of the weight she gained.The stomach is puffy and the c section scar is disgusting. i could have skipped sex for a full year after that trauma. And the thought of having another pregnancy was all I needed to fear. Not gonna do it.I really could have cared less if hubby's needs weren't met.
I was meeting the needs of a infant and he helped get me in that position. He could just take his side of reality.
My brother and I are 6 years and 5 days apart. It must be St. Patrick's Day.
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"... and her temper worse than wildfire it is gunpowder and blows up everything ..." Mary Shelley
My husband's brother and sister are a few days shy of being born exactly one year apart. She is older and her birthday is something like 9/21 and his is 9/17. I always thought that was nuts.
Submitted by mefunigirl on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 3:55pm.
Submitted by Lisbet459 on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 3:47pm.
Submitted by WTFOMGLOL on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 3:42pm.
My sister was pregnant again 6 WEEKS after giving birth. I just stared at her. thinking.
W.T.F. !!!!!
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My sil and bil were born 10 months apart EXACTLY to the date.
back then it was 90 days you waited. when my mil starts with her crap it's one of the things I like to think about.
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FUCK. THAT. SHIT.
now that I'm thinking about it... me and my two younger sisters were all born 14 months apart. bing. bang. boom. That was back in the 60's. I guess things were different back then.. but still ... fuuuuuuuuck.
Submitted by IrishFury on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 3:58pm.
My mother had 5 kids in 6 years - all single births. I was the baby. Holy moly. ________________________________
Haha,IR. is that called Irish Quints? My husband and his brother are one yeah and a day apart. MIL calls them her Irish twins. ;-)
Fuck off, Jessica. Doesn't this moron have better things to do like say watching her newborn baby so a coyote doesn't run off with it?
Amanda Foreman had 5 children in 6 years. And still managed to write a 1,000+ page book on the American Civil War.
*slinks off, feeling inadequate*
Jeebus Fook!
Enuff with all the TMI oversharing of shit no one wants
to here....includes most of this dayum thread. Faaak!
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"I love fast and I love hard."-MK
My mother had 5 kids in 6 years - all single births. I was the baby. Holy moly. ________________________________
Dark-sided!
Submitted by Lisbet459 on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 3:47pm.
I went to Brownies with two sisters who had a ten month age gap. Even at the time, there was a niggling sense in the back of my head that this was unusual, but it's not like I could ask them about it.
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My ex and his older brother...10 months apart. His mom was 37 when she started having kids. Guess they figured they better giddyup!
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"Physical violence is the least of my priorities." - Drunken Albertan
HA!
We only waited 14 days after our son's birth...
And my husband watched him come out from start to finish, and cleaned me during the whole thing, he really was my hero that night.
I have a wonderful husband.
;)
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Silvio Berlusconi, just die already.
Submitted by Lisbet459 on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 3:47pm.
Submitted by WTFOMGLOL on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 3:42pm.
My sister was pregnant again 6 WEEKS after giving birth. I just stared at her. thinking.
W.T.F. !!!!!
..........................
My sil and bil were born 10 months apart EXACTLY to the date.
back then it was 90 days you waited. when my mil starts with her crap it's one of the things I like to think about.
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Success is a great deodorant ~ Liz
Submitted by Hockey fan on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 2:26pm.
Submitted by M.E. on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 1:28pm.
My husband made the mistake of looking at the ladybits as Little P was making his entrance. He had absolutely NO interest in sex until I pushed the issue 3+ months later.
^^^^
My sister's husband did something similar. She had a c-section and he said to her later, "From your head, you looked fine. I stood up to look over the drape and they had your intestines out...you looked like a science experiment." He almost passed out in the delivery room. Of course, my ex was a surgery xray tech and he was in the room for my hysterectomy--- NOT a good idea. He kept having to leave. Finally the nurses convinced him not to go back in. LOL
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My friend's husband did something similar, he was on the business end of her C-section and was telling her what organs were being moved and how cool it was ... she told him to STFU and get to the not-business end and be a support rather than a color commentator. I told her, I'd have kicked him in the head.
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"... and her temper worse than wildfire it is gunpowder and blows up everything ..." Mary Shelley
Submitted by WTFOMGLOL on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 3:42pm.
My sister was pregnant again 6 WEEKS after giving birth. I just stared at her. thinking.
W.T.F. !!!!!
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I went to Brownies with two sisters who had a ten month age gap. Even at the time, there was a niggling sense in the back of my head that this was unusual, but it's not like I could ask them about it.
My sister was pregnant again 6 WEEKS after giving birth. I just stared at her. thinking.
W.T.F. !!!!!
I thank God every day, I never had kids. Not for me. no sirreee bob.
Oh Jess, STFU and I don't believe you.
I couldn't walk for two weeks after my sections, I burned so badly at the site. I bled for about 9 weeks post-partum each time and had sex about 12 weeks after I had my youngest and almost cried with the pain -and it was a planned c-section!
I've heard women say they "just couldn't wait, they were DYING for sex two weeks after birth" and my mind boggled.
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Dark-sided!
She really seems to feel the need to live up to her 'sexual napalm' reputation.
Barf.
ROFL Lucifer! But then...she'd probably be like "Recovering in the hospital while my super hot and amazing man brings me chicken soup and watches Golden Girls reruns with me. I am the luckiest girl alive!"
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Submitted by SANS FARDS on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 2:21pm.
I have a friend who went through a long single spell (4 years) and now that she has a BF, updates FB every two seconds with "Going to the latest fabulous eatery in NYC with my amazing man" or "I just love my amazing sexy wonderful awesome boyfriend."
Push her down the stairs and say it was an accident.
Submitted by SANS FARDS on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 2:21pm.
Submitted by TOPANGA on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 1:05pm.
I'm gonna need Jessica Simpson to have a seat (on a very sturdy steel chair)with all of this over sharing lately. In my opinion a woman who feels the need to overshare and brag about her seemingly perfect love life is secretly insecure
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This. People who are really and truly happy don't feel the need to brag about it.
I have a friend who went through a long single spell (4 years) and now that she has a BF, updates FB every two seconds with "Going to the latest fabulous eatery in NYC with my amazing man" or "I just love my amazing sexy wonderful awesome boyfriend." Not sure if that's supposed to induce jealousy, or what? I've met the guy, and he's no prize...I can tell you that. She can have him!
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uGH! this is one of the main reasons I dont go to FB anymore and im even thinking about de-activating that shit!...I have someone very special in my life too so im not being jellis and I really dont feel the need to update about my personal life every 10 mins!
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