The indie rock band Here We Go Magic were driving along in Ohio in their van when they basically saw a unicorn nymph centaur holding a rainbow in his hands. They saw John Fucking Waters standing near a highway on-ramp looking for a ride. Okay, if that was me, I’d have to drive back to the DQ and ask them if they put an extra scoop of powdered acid in my Blizzard, because seeing a hitchhiking John Waters is like magic for your eyes.
Once Here We Go Magic’s bassist Jen Turner finished farting out flamingo feathers from spending time with John, she Tweeted the entire wonderful experience. Jen says that when they asked John why he’s using his thumb to get him across the country, he simply said that he’s looking for an adventure. The band’s guitarist Michael Bloch told the story in an email to their record label and their record label forwarded it to Gawker:
There’s a hydro-fracking boom in western Pennsylvania. You can’t get a motel room. We had to drive til 4AM, and finally found a Days Inn in eastern Ohio. Getting back on the highway this morning, there was a man at the side of the on-ramp with a sign that read “to the end of Rte 70.” Jen wanted to pick him up, but we drove past him. As we passed by, our sound guy said “John Waters.” Luke said, “Yep, definitely John Waters.” We got off at the next exit and circled back. He was still there. We pulled up, opened the door and asked where he was coming from. “Baltimore,” he said. And we said “Get in, sir.”
The band took him to Indianapolis and now he’s looking to continue his journey down I-70.
How is this shit a real story? It’s almost better than an episode of Bait Bus! I feel like somebody tucked me in and told me their acid flashback. The cynical whore in me says it’s some kind of stunt, but I’m still tempted to get into a Zipcar and drive down I-70 hoping to find John and give him and his dandy stache a ride. Who cares if I’ve always been told that if I pick up a hitchhiker, he’ll lure me into a gas station bathroom with promises of peen, murder me, cut my face off and sew it over his so he can rob banks as me? It’s John Waters!