You In Danger, Katy

"Oh, that's just Kween Karl sucking the blood from his human's penis vein" is a line Kunty Karl's neighbors use often when their friends ask what that "trout slurping up a spaghetti noodle" sound coming from the next apartment is. Karl has been slowly siphoning the youth out of 22-year-old Baptiste Giabiconi with a titanium Chanel tube for at least 2 years and I've never seen him as the sharing type. You haven't felt the burn from a fiery glare until you've sung "pass the coochie to the left hand side..." to Kunty Karl as he dabs his lips with a white lace hanky after nibbling on Baptiste's muse mussy. So that's why this story from The Sun is about as suspect as everything that comes out of Lindsay Lohan's mouth.

A source tells The Sun that while Katy Perry was in Paris for Fashion Week, she spent a little time whispering sweet nothings into the ear of Karl's muse. While Katy was still married to hobo Jesus Russell Brand, Baptiste told his friends that he'd love nothing more than to get her to divorce her husband so he could marry her. So when Katy went to the Chanel show, Baptiste saw his chance and took her to dinner. The source says that Katy and Baptiste were with friends, but they acted like they were covered in a heart-shaped bubble and weren't the least bit terrified about the possibility of an albino vampire dropping from the ceiling to kill Katy with cuntness for eating food (gross) and for trying to steal his huMAN! The source put it like this:

"They were with a group of people, but they looked very much like a couple in love. He was never more than a foot away from her and they were very flirty. There was a lot of whispering, shared jokes and they were really flirting."

We all know how this movie ends. Baptiste and Katy are going to marry in Romania, but after Karl starts terrorizing all of Baptiste's friends, Baptiste comes back to him and realizes they were soulmates in a past life and begs Karl to become his maker. As Karl starts to transform Baptiste into a vampire, Katy bursts in and tries to destroy Karl by throwing garlic bread (garlic + carbs = a fat-hating vampire's kryptonite) at him. There's a struggle! There's lightning! There's a theme song by Annie Lennox! There's COSTUMES! COSTUMES! There's boob hair! There's blood in the form of red silk imported from a small village in China! Karl will curse Katy!

And when all is said and cursed, Karl and Baptiste will be wrapped in each other's arms while Katy looks down to find that her Chanel couture gown has become rags from a designer discount store in Jersey. Katy's skin will never feel the touch of next season couture again. This is how it's going to go, because at the end of Dracula, Keanu Reeves was totally wearing some shit from Daffy's.

So Katy better step off unless she wants to spend the rest of her life wearing ten seasons ago Ralph Lauren! Moral of the story: Don't fuck with Kunty Karl.

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by WithinReason... on Sun, 03/11/2012 - 4:31pm.

LOL Loopy, "fold back layer upon layer of wrinkly ass skin" hahaha! I hope your experience in this regard is purely theoretical!

That said, thanks for "learning" me on FOPA, WOPA & WOA... *shudders* I feel as though we could trade secrets now...;)

♥---♥---♥
"... looking in her face is heaven for all the youth and hope and good will." Thamar 03/01/2012 ☺♪☼♫

Submitted by loopygorilla on Sun, 03/11/2012 - 12:57am.

Submitted by WithinReason... on Sat, 03/10/2012 - 5:50pm.
Submitted by loopygorilla on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 8:15pm.
poor baptiste, having to rim Karl's wrinkly ass, and fuck it and getting blowjobs from Karl or rubbing oil all over karl. all of that, so he can be famous.
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200% ITA! *majah hurls* How about Nick Gruber/Calvin Klein - ok best not picture that either... hahaha

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I thought Calkin Klein is a heterosexual designer?! hahaha

Obviously Nick Gruber and Baptiste have strong stomachs, cuz we have FOPA, but i dont think we ever had WOPA, wrinkles over penis area, or WOA, wrinkles over asshole.

I mean seriously, in order for Nick and Baptiste to rim Karl or Calvin, they will have use their tongues to fold back layer upon layer of wrinkly ass skin, which is like wetting your tongue and then turning the pages of an encyclopedia... before they find the "Sweetspot".

Submitted by kacky on Sat, 03/10/2012 - 6:38pm.

He looks like the herpiest of derps, and gay.
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... the sanctity of marriage gave up, moved to Reno and now works the 1am-6am shift at strip club under the name Sanctitty Mirage.

I am beyond hoffified

Submitted by WithinReason... on Sat, 03/10/2012 - 4:20pm.

Submitted by loopygorilla on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 8:15pm.
poor baptiste, having to rim Karl's wrinkly ass, and fuck it and getting blowjobs from Karl or rubbing oil all over karl. all of that, so he can be famous.
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200% ITA! *majah hurls* How about Nick Gruber/Calvin Klein - ok best not picture that either... hahaha

♥---♥---♥
"Kevin Keller will forever be a part of Riverdale, and he will live a happy, long life free of prejudice, hate and narrow-minded people." J. Goldwater

Submitted by MizRo on Sat, 03/10/2012 - 2:51pm.

Agreed Bossy: save the color for face-framing at an older age. Haven't liked her look for some time.

Submitted by MizRo on Sat, 03/10/2012 - 11:42am.

Not a fan of either, and I do loathe the Kunty.

Submitted by jelliebean on Sat, 03/10/2012 - 10:29am.

I saved this post for later reading and so glad I did!
"an albino vampire dropping from the ceiling to kill Katy with cuntness
garlic + carbs = a fat-hating vampire's kryptonite
And when all is said and cursed"
MMKKK! *swoons*
This needs to be made into a movie or a telenovella. Comedy and danger.

Submitted by SANS FARDS on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 9:01pm.

I'd think that even Katy Perry, tone deaf and annoying as she is, could do better than play second fiddle to Kunty Karl.
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"One does not simply walk into Mordor..."

Submitted by Bossy on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 7:56pm.

That look actually makes her appear older...like she's trying to hard to be young. She's not old but the hair just makes her seem kind of old.

Submitted by Pinkismyblack on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 7:48pm.

Her hair looks like shit. That's the shade of blue that looks good on NO ONE- especially if you have a tan.

Submitted by loopygorilla on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 6:45pm.

poor baptiste, having to rim Karl's wrinkly ass, and fuck it and getting blowjobs from Karl or rubbing oil all over karl.
all of that, so he can be famous.

Submitted by ImpertinentVixen on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 6:16pm.

Kunty Karl kriticized the Lascaux kave buffalo drawings as "too fat" and replaced them with stick figures with $56,000 macrame shoes on.

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Visit Anthony Higgins Performances on Facebook.

Submitted by Scott in NYC on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 5:48pm.

Do your fucking roots for once, Katy!!!!

Submitted by OneLiner on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 3:55pm.

I've come to the conclusion that Katty Perry appears to be really pretty but she really isn't...she just wears a ton of make up...there you go...my two cents

********* SAVE A LIFE. ADOPT A PET *********

Submitted by dementa on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 3:22pm.

Submitted by mharker on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 2:35pm.

Amen. I mean, the boobs hair was friggin' ridiculous, but I could have forgiven it. But it tried to sexualize everybody and everything.

I mean, that scene where Mina and Lucy make out in the rain? WHY? Oh wait, because Coppola thought it was hot. Dracula as a wolf-man raping Lucy on a stone bench, because God forbid there be any SUBTLETY or SYMBOLISM; Lucy being a total whore; Vlad Tepes going off the friggin' deep end because his wife threw herself out a window; and Mina having this whole sexy affair with Dracula because she's the reincarnation of his wife or some shit like that.

I mean, Bram Stoker's "Dracula" is the greatest vampire book of all time, but then you get these asshats who think they can make it "better" by adding a Twilighty love story. Why can't some great director get a big budget and just MAKE A FAITHFUL ADAPTATION DAMMITALL?!

Okay, rant over.

And I don't like Katy Perry but she's relatively inoffensive. I mean, compared to the circling-the-drain popsters like Britney and Xtina, the sleazy abuse-loving Rihanna, or human shitstains like Kesha. Retro-indie fashion and funky hair colors don't seem that bad, really.

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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.

Submitted by WWJDFAKB on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 2:49pm.

Submitted by Datura on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 2:05pm.

Submitted by Andrei on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 1:58pm.
Personally, I don't think Perry can sing. When one of her songs comes on, I sorta cringe a bit.
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I go back and forth on her voice. Her cover of "Black and Gold" was on some CD they played at one of my jobs, and I was taken aback by how good she sounded. Her bleeting and neighing on her original songs make me want to punch the radio.

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Her, Xtina, and a small handful of pop singers have potentially good voices, but the songs they or the record companies want them to sing makes them sound like shit.

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What would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar?

http://chakrakahn.tumblr.com/

Submitted by WWJDFAKB on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 2:45pm.

Submitted by MadgesVadge on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 3:15pm.

Love Katy, but the blue hair needs to go STAT.

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Purple would have been a better choice.

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What would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar?

http://chakrakahn.tumblr.com/

Submitted by urmomma on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 2:34pm.

Katy bursts in and tries to destroy Karl by throwing garlic bread
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Ooooolol! I had a good time reading this.
AND!
"They were with a group of people, but they looked very much like a couple in love. He was never more than a foot away from her and they were very flirty. There was a lot of whispering, shared jokes and they were really flirting."

BFD. This is me after a few rounds...I am people person dammit. I get my flirt on with the plant in the corner if it stands still long enough. It does not mean I am trying to take the plant home with me...I am just have a good time. Unless, the plant is named maryjane...then I am buying breakfast, baby!

Edited...I said "log". fmr. again....because I am an asshat.
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I've got ten bucks and me and dirty eddie are staying out all weekend! - Rob Pue (thank you BBitch and Sweetas)

The difficult brown?! I think we're all done here. -MK

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 2:23pm.

crazy, Zooey is the pretty version. :)

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Bittersweet memories, that is all I'm taking with me.
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry- we both know I'm not what you, you need.
And I will always love you

Submitted by crazyinjapan on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 2:18pm.

Hey Paris!

She reminds me of Zooey Deschanel, who I also like.

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 2:01pm.

crazyinjapan, as much as you can see the beautiful in her face, that is as much as I can't. She is mediocre looking at BEST to me.

Big tits is why guys like her.

Submitted by MadgesVadge on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 1:45pm.

Love Katy, but the blue hair needs to go STAT.

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"I have a very poor way of concealing my dislike of people and/or things." -- Evil_Cupcake's Mom

Submitted by crazyinjapan on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 1:28pm.

I like Katy Perry. She writes catchy songs and she seems sweet. Also, she looks very beautiful to me. I don't understand what you all hate so much.

Submitted by Oxygen on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 1:11pm.

Submitted by MissJaneTexas on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 1:57pm.
I've tried reading this 3 times but my ADD kicked in and I got bored.
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LMMFAO....same here which is why this is my eleventieth time here. And thanks, I think I blew my brain halfway out of my nose from my snort-cackle.

Submitted by mharker on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 1:05pm.

Bram Stoker's Dracula would have been a much better movie if it was really Bram Stoker's Dracula. Some parts were well done, but the Dracula/Mina love story was so ridiculous.

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Silly rabbit.

Submitted by freshfacestripper on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:51pm.

that firecrotch song suck's. and, this HAIR??? wtf? i dont get it. i guess if i just gor divorced from a dude who didnt even love my ass except for press and photo op's realizing my ex is writing songs calling me a HO, yea, i guess i would look like a fucking CRACKy in a rave gone to hell. go to the salon,beach!

Submitted by chaka1 on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:51pm.

I can't take her music. She just yells into the microphone...

That AWFUL blue hair has got to go!!!

I also hate 27 year old women singing bubble gum pop.

Submitted by MickeyHolland on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:46pm.

Everything that comes after Russel Brand is by definition one step up, even Kunty Karl's kept man. It's all still vomit-inducing, of course.

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"We are here on earth to do good for others.
What the others are here for, I don't know."
W.H. Auden

Submitted by Andrei on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:39pm.

Submitted by Datura on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 2:05pm

Yeah. I don't remember the name of the songs.. I think one was called Firecracker... I wanted to like it, but couldn't really take her voice. Also.. "I Kissed a Girl.." I bet that song was based on a peck on the cheek, lol.

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:39pm.

TwatMuffin, that pic was hilarious.

Her voice is pretty bad to me...I change the radio station when her songs come on.

Submitted by Datura on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:35pm.

Submitted by Andrei on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 1:58pm.
Personally, I don't think Perry can sing. When one of her songs comes on, I sorta cringe a bit.
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Masturbation is not a GD game of Clue, there is no reason to head to the broom closet with a rope and a lead pipe. –michelleb

Submitted by Andrei on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:28pm.

Personally, I don't think Perry can sing. When one of her songs comes on, I sorta cringe a bit.

Submitted by Twat Muffin on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:28pm.

PSL -- if anyone ever saw that picture that Russell Brand took of her without makeup, they would know that she's an ugly fuck. She always has her tits hanging out to take focus away from her sub-par face, screechy voice & lack of talent.

Submitted by MissJaneTexas on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:27pm.

I've tried reading this 3 times but my ADD kicked in and I got bored.

I don't mind KP but its probably because I make a conscience decision not to hear or listen to her music. I also made the mistake of catching her part of her behind the music - that always makes me like people!!!!!!

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#KONY2012 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc
Please watch, learn and share. 2012 is the year.

Submitted by christine the hoff on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:26pm.

And kunty karl makes me wanna hurl... shudder.

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I have never loved life so much.

Submitted by saltydog88 on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:23pm.

why would she waste any time on a dude who is so obviously the walking definition of gold digger, nay GRAVE digger

Submitted by TheBreakdown on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:21pm.

Katy Perry can sing, I will give her that, but must she always look like she fell out of a Jem/Rainbow Brite/Skittles commercial?!

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Facebook: Triston Negreaux
http://www.myspace.com/triston
ask me how to subscribe to Heaux Confessionals©

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:20pm.

mike, I said the same thing on The Superficial, and was accused of being gay. I said, "perhaps if you looked away from her tits, and actually looked at her face, you'd change your opinion."

Submitted by mbj on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:13pm.

Dutura - Ah ha ha @ the Community reference. You hit the nail on the head with that one.

Submitted by snowpiece on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:13pm.

TEAM CANSTANDHER

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"That's what Jesus would do. Give you a blunt when you're down." MK
"I'm from the New Jersey where we say "AYY! FUCKA YOUA PIZZA PIE!!!" " Sucky

Submitted by Condi the ingro... on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:10pm.

OMG, I would SO pay to see that movie. A bunch of times, as if it was The Hunger Games and I was a pimply chubby 14-year-old virgen.

You should totally write a script, Mikey.

And you know Baptiste and Katy were only sharing dick stats at Fashion Week: "Ew, it's so shriveled!" "Ew, it's so hairy!" And so on.

Submitted by christine the hoff on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:10pm.

yuck,I aagree can't stand her.

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I have never loved life so much.

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:04pm.

mediocre looking, no talent hack.

I can't stand this girl.

Submitted by Gardening Girl on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:03pm.

She's a Christian - Jesus keeps the std's away!

Submitted by Feral on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 12:02pm.

This girl every worry about diseases?

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Sadly, the floors did not mop themselves.

Submitted by TOPANGA on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 11:57am.

In my eyes,Katy Perry is still that little insecure sheltered Christian girl, despereately trying to rebel. How else do you explain her marrying the likes of Russell Brand? We all knew how that was going to turn out,except for her.
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"I was half a virgin when I met him!"

-Mean Girl,Regina George

Submitted by Twat Muffin on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 11:56am.

I agree with mike & ba-buttons. Bitch is nothing but a pile of fug without that spackled makeup to cover her nasty, zit-ridden face. I can't stand this untalented, annoying cunt. I can't believe Karl was even seen next to her ugly, unfashionable, cow ass.