Why So Psychic, GOOPY?
Fishsticks Paltrow is an Oscar-winning actress, a Grammy-nominated book talker, a wood-burning pizza oven advocate, a noted eye roll-inducer, a shit tube expert, the pride of Britain and a woman who redefines "pretentious ass bitch" with every GOOP newsletter she queefs out. Well, you can add a new title to Fishy's never-ending list of gifts: master future-teller! The GOOPY one has been cleansed by the infinite light of greatness beaming off of Blue Ivy Carter's halo and tells Hollywood Life (via UsWeekly) that B.I.C. will be the Liza Minnelli to Beyonce's Judy Garland.
"She is going to be an entertainer. She just has this glow around her like her mother. She's stunning. She has the most beautiful eyes.Beyonce is doing great. She's just a natural at being a mom."
A glow around her? You DUMB DUMB GOOP! That's not a natural glow. Beyonce gets her "glow" from seven layers of liquified gold spread across her face and from the team of assistants shining soft light at her from mobile diffused spotlights. That's the glow of money, honey. And about that "she's going to be an entertainer" thing. I would say "No shit, bitch" to Fishticks, but she'd probably respond with, "No shit? You should try my $425 colon cleanse then!"
I don't have to hump a crystal ball with my eyes to see that Blue Ivy Carter is going to be an entertainer. B.I.C.'s name is trademarked, she has already had a hit single and she just has to let out a burp to get a multi-million dollar record deal from any label of her choosing. I'd glow too if I knew my shit was set for life. But Fishy obviously doesn't understand this, because unlike B.I.C., she had to pound the pavement and work hard for everything she has. It's not like she's only famous because her mom is Blythe Danner, her godfather is Steven Spielberg and her ex-piece is Brad Pitt. No, not at all.
And is that Paula Abdul to the right? (Just pretend and say yes.) Fishy looks like a giant white Vicodin pill in that cape dress thing, so why didn't Paula swallow her whole? Oh Paula, you disappoint.
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It payment cute messages | decent messages we mere agriculturalist have to revenue parenting lessons from the Great Goddesses of Hollywood and the Music World because they do it perfectly and we must bow at their precious feet.
One word: BITCH. But that's an insult to real bitches all over the world, but I can't think of anything else when I see Ms. Paltrow's fucking visage. Any suggestions?
Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Tue, 02/28/2012 - 9:43pm.
Submitted by Zorba-the-Geek on Tue, 02/28/2012 - 7:53pm.
I'm also psychic, Fishsticks, and I'm seeing your husband getting his dick sucked by a groupie in Romania.
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A male groupie, I presume?!
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Ha! Glad I'm not the only one who gets that vibe from Chris Martin. Wasn't Fishy his first serious girlfriend?
LMAO! Beautifully written Michael K.
Fishsticks is one busted ass white woman good lawd! All those cleanses and ass shitting and whatever else she does she should try and pay some attention to her busted ass face and boy body. Just fugly, not even 40 yet and her face is a mess. How does Chris Martins dick get hard enough to fuck her? I really wonder. More power to him.
I swear, when I first saw Fishy's Oscar pix, I though she was Helen Mirren.
Something about her dress reminded me of a condom.
*chanting as always*
Shut the fuck up kid, you're in my closet now.
So when Blue Ivy Carter grows up to be a reclusive mad scientist who lives in an undisclosed location shuns the spotlight at all times, you can be sure I will come back to DListed 25 years later and register my LOLz.
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"One does not simply walk into Mordor..."
Beyonce is a natural mom?!! REALLY? with 6 nannies???
Fuck these dillusional bitches, who think they are great parents because they spend 1 hour a day with their offspring.
and the remainder of the 23 hours is spent with a team of nannies.
Just like you Gwinny the kid will benefit from having famous well connected 1% parents. Go to HELL B.
she makes me want to be a better person.
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We worked hard for our money! So hard for it, honey!
Submitted by Zorba-the-Geek on Tue, 02/28/2012 - 7:53pm.
I'm also psychic, Fishsticks, and I'm seeing your husband getting his dick sucked by a groupie in Romania.
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A male groupie, I presume?!
I thought she was saying this about her own daughter, which would be bad enough. Then I found out she's talking about Beyonce's kid...WTF. She is the biggest name-dropped in the world. SO SAD that she has to name drop children. Next she'll be saying, "I hung out with Suri Cruise yesterday, and then we both had our hair bleached with Kingston Stefani-Rossdale."
She's pretty and has great style but she's also pretentious and annoying and rude and self-righteous and thinks she's much much much brighter than she is.
My Spidey Sense is telling me that she and Chris Martin will get divorced within the next year. The spirit of the Ouija Board agrees with me too.
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"One does not simply walk into Mordor..."
I'm also psychic, Fishsticks, and I'm seeing your husband getting his dick sucked by a groupie in Romania. Shazam!
Also, can you imagine a conversation between Fishie and braindead Beyonce? I hope Fishy gives Beyonce some advice on how to shit away her fake pregnancy fat.
I just want to slice deli meat on her collar bones.
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"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done." -Lucille Ball-sy
Hhhhhmmmm, I wonder how close Gwynie would be to Beyonce and Jay-Z if they weren't rich and famous (I'm sure someone else on here asked the same thing). She is SO full of shit!!!!! But how hilarious is it that she refers to a baby as "stunning"? I'm sure the way Blue Ivy drools, gurgles and poops in her diaper gives a clear indication of what a brilliant future she has. Give it up, fucking idiot, Gwyneth.
Submitted by jerseygirl17 on Tue, 02/28/2012 - 3:49pm.
Ever notice that everyone is "a natural at being a mom?" WTF does that even mean?
IT MEANS THEY DONT EAT THEIR YOUNG
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♦ When all else fails, they call me.
♦ Life sucks. Shit Happens. I'm a student of t-shirts.
I assume that she doesn't pounce on the babies of POOR PEOPLE and talk about how glowing and stunning they are. Especially if they probably inherited daddy's schnoz. Only rich people have awesome superspeshul snowflake babies!
Oh, and I actually HAD an unusually beautiful baby sibling, thanks. He outshone BIC easily.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
I've never seen a person who embodies the word "Insufferable" like this woman.
I thought her dress/cape combo was perfection.
I hate that I liked it because I am not terribly fond of her and I dislike Vera Wang immensely, given her Kardashian ass kissing.
Aw, thanks IF, but I'm not a natural. It takes a lot of work to be this drunk.
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I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate
Fishsticks is a jackass.
It disturbs me to say this, but she looked smashing in that dress/cape deal.
I take threats from people wearing white robes seriously. Very seriously. Where's a dingo when ya need one?
this annoying, pretentious skank has had one too many cleanses - she's staring to lose braincells down the toilet
I agree with Elmo, this pathetic skeeze is so addicted to namedropping to make herself feel important that she's namedropping infants now!
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Aniston is artistically, intellectually and reproductively barren.
Paltrow is every argument against nepotism rolled into one.
Me and the bf made "friends" with a couple at a restaurant and he was talking to them about their dessert...anyhoo, when they left, the woman was like I'm psychic, and I see the two of you getting married.
We'd been dating not even two months and we were like uh thanks....hahaha
Well aren't you just carrying around a big bag of nothing!
What she was really saying was "I've seen Blue Ivy with my own two eyes! Beyonce and I are total BFF's! I'm so fabulous! I have to go finish my cleanse." I thought this ho retire from public life? Why is she back?
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"I bet his crotch looks like an uncooked dough cigar lying on a bed of saffron" MK
Jay Z prides himself on being a mastermind deep thinking, blueprint designing, spiritual secret society musical genius...and yet numerologically that baby name lacks a six and an eight. Someone did not do their homework...
Heeheeeeheeeeee
Okay, I'm going to go on a rant here....
But I fucking hate it when people claim to be psychic and be able to predict someone's future and blah blah blah.Because IMO, I think those who can see the future and have sort of a sixth sense are those that usually don't want to share it with the world because it can be a great gift but a great curse.
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"What is the Yiddish word for puto estúpido, because that's what he really is" - MK
"Submitted by TexnDoc on Tue, 02/28/2012 - 2:27pm.
Joan Rivers was so funny. "She looks like a Christian out on recruitment. ' Come to us ! Come to us !'l
Someone else: "Well she looks perfect."
Joan: "Like a perfect asshole."
"
OMG. How did I miss seeing this?!?
I am starting to love Joan.
Goopy, darling...no babies are "stunning". Give me a break. They all pretty much look the same until they reach toddlerhood.
Natural at being a mom who has 6 nannies and gazillions to spend on not being with her kid unless it's a photo op like JLo, etc.
Goopini is so damn skinny and all she ever has to say about herself is how fat she is, how she looks like shit in a bikini, how she jiggles when she jogs and how she has granny wings on her upper arms. Serious assed body image issues, nearly pathological.
"Revenge is sweet and not fattening"
-Alfred Hitchcock-
Submitted by Dirk Diggler on Tue, 02/28/2012 - 3:09pm.
Gwyneth looks a bit like Claire Dane in this picture. The consequence of recent face work? Discuss.
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I was thinking the same thing. Since I know a lot of us horz here on Dlisted think alike I scrolled through the thread to see if some one thought my thought. Dirk get out of my head.
Submitted by snowpiece on Tue, 02/28/2012 - 2:23pm.
to be fair to Whamo's love...
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Oh! No to worry, I'm here!
(Who is the self-important, pretentious boring WHORE in the pic above? I have no idea.)
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Dark-sided!
Submitted by jerseygirl17 on Tue, 02/28/2012 - 3:49pm.
Ever notice that everyone is "a natural at being a mom?" WTF does that even mean?
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Well DUH Jerseygirl!
It means we mere peasants have to take parenting lessons from the Great Goddesses of Hollywood and the Music World because they do it perfectly and we must bow at their precious feet.
Jerseygirl, you are "a natural at being a drunken slut". And this is the highest compliment on the D. You're welcome xx
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Dark-sided!
Ever notice that everyone is "a natural at being a mom?" WTF does that even mean?
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I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate
Blotting paper! She's so rich, so how come she can't seem to afford anything for her oily-ass skin? I'm poor and I can manage it with soap and inexpensive moisturizer.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
Oh good grief. Michael my love, just say what you really think. She looks gorgeous, and that's what us "Astorians" from Queens say "gorgeous."
If I ever meet your mother, the both of us will slap you silly from blackboard erasers. I mean it!
Submitted by louise_brooks on Tue, 02/28/2012 - 3:04pm.
Submitted by Sandbitch on Tue, 02/28/2012 - 2:51pm.
Wasn't there a Seinfeld episode about a "stunning" baby? "stunning" meaning weird looking as fuck.
It was "breathtaking".
"Well, you know Elaine, sometimes you say things just to be nice."
---There. Same sloppy shit though aye? That baby looks like Bouncey's husband and he is not stunning and he'd be less stunning as a woman. PFFFFT Goop is sucking ass big time.
And of course we all know being a celebrity actress is the best and only job in the WHOLE WERRRLLLLD. Aim high eh. I feel like slapping goop, I do.
If there is a way for clothing to be pretentious, leave to this bitch to find it.
I'm sorry, but a floor length CAPE - FFS.
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"I've got a strong stomach and no standards to speak of" - MK 2/5/11
I love that dress too, can I strangle her with the cape?
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I have never loved life so much.
*stares blankly at screen*....what an ass kisser.
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I've got ten bucks and me and dirty eddie are staying out all weekend! - Rob Pue (thank you BBitch and Sweetas)
The difficult brown?! I think we're all done here. -MK
Submitted by skinny fat on Tue, 02/28/2012 - 2:58pm.
why doesn't she predict what her own children are going to grow up to be?
Apple will work at an organic fruit orchard, and miserable SAT scores will eventually lead Moses to climb a bell tower and shoot students at the university he was too stupid to get into.
Gwyneth looks a bit like Claire Dane in this picture. The consequence of recent face work? Discuss.
Bag-a-bones. Banging her would be like riding your bicycle down rail road tracks.
ubmitted by Ophelias evil twin on Tue, 02/28/2012 - 2:50pm.
she thinks she's a fucking super hero or something. "I'm Stick up the Ass Girl, let me show you how to live the most perfect pretentious life just like mine".
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Ha! I really believe that's what she was going for.
Submitted by Sandbitch on Tue, 02/28/2012 - 2:51pm.
Wasn't there a Seinfeld episode about a "stunning" baby? "stunning" meaning weird looking as fuck.
It was "breathtaking".
"Well, you know Elaine, sometimes you say things just to be nice."
She looks like a low-rent version of Cate Blanchett in the banner pic.
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"... and her temper worse than wildfire it is gunpowder and blows up everything ..." Mary Shelley
why doesn't she predict what her own children are going to grow up to be?