Pull Joey Lawrence’s Wax Figure Out Of The Sun! It’s Melting!

If you molded a Raven from RuPaul’s Drag Race statue out of Kellan Lutz’s hard ripped shits (yes, even his shits have a six-pack on them), Madge’s escapee arm veins and Jodie Marsh’s old face, then covered it with whatever you cover a Barbie with, threw a chestnut-colored FLOR tile on its head and pinched its face until it looked like it was trying to push out a fart through its nipple holes, you’d have Joey Lawrence in a completely natural and not-at-all staged glamour shoot in the middle of a West Hollywood park the other day.

If you unplugged those plugs and dropped a miniature beret on top of his head, he’d be the white Blaine Edwards! Three snaps toward a bottle of Pepto-B, because Joey looks like he has the runs and is trying to hold in a butt plug at the same time (the butt plug is winning). LOVED-ED IT!

Hair plug maintenance, weekly body fur removal and anus tinting don’t pay for themselves, so flex your way to that money, bitch. Let the flames of jealousy shooting off of your haters’ eyes singe your stray brow hairs so they stay looking like they just stepped off of the face of a Disney evil queen. Twerk, werk, whoa!

What Really Needs Saving Is This Bitch’s Hairline

It was very gracious of The Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Juicy Delicious and Theresa Giudice to donate the money* InTouch paid them for their fake second wedding pictures to help their relatives at the Save the Gorillas Sanctuary, but she really should’ve used that money to pay a professional who won’t fix a short sale wig to the top of her head with slow-drying carpenter’s glue. That hairline looks like the crusty edges of a lasagna that was baked in a way too small dish. Just crusty, thirsty and jagged for no reason.

Theresa, please dab a little marinara sauce on your hairline so that one of your hyperactive gremlins can nibble the foolery out of it. That way it can sort of look like something that came from nature.

* They didn’t do that.

via ONTD