Tommy Reportedly Can’t Talk To Suri About Thetans And Stuff

Seen her a while ago being the tea bag instead of getting tea bagged like usual, Tom Cooze apparently agreed to keep all Scientology-related stuff in his mouth when he’s around Suri and Katie Holmes also agreed to not fill her daughter’s head with any talk about religion until she gets older. Shortly after, Tommy and Katie signed their divorce settlement agreement and shoved those papers up somewhere that nobody will dare to go (aka John Travolta’s Scientolohole), the details began to leak (“Oops. I fawted.” – Travolta). We already know that Katie got primary physical custody of Suri and TMZ says that both sides also agreed to shut their lips about religion. Katie also gets to decide where Suri goes to school.

A source tells TMZ that the “custodial provisions” part of the agreement is no joke and covers a large part of Suri’s childhood. As the years ago by, Katie and Tommy can slowly fill her ears with religion talk including alien tales according to L. Ron. So basically, Scientology will have to get a new golden child. But wait, Katie’s lawyer tells People that all this speculation needs to be taken with a grain of barley dust:

“There are numerous inaccuracies in the reports regarding the purported contents of the agreement reached between the parties,” says attorney Jonathan Wolfe. “The agreement is confidential and its terms will not be disclosed.”

Whatever, I believe the Scientology ban and Katie should really get a parade for winning that battle, but she isn’t the real winner in all of this. It’s Suri! Suri doesn’t have to get her brain washed with alien shit AND she doesn’t have to sit through a 4 hour-long Catholic mass on Sunday morning. You don’t know how many times I was dragged away from my cartoon-viewing on a Sunday morning to go to mass with my abuelita. The worst part of Catholic mass is sitting on a hard ass seat while watching the growns sip on a christblood-tini. The children didn’t get any refreshments! Not even a virgin christblood-tini. Rude.

BREAKING: Katie Holmes Buys Milk

It’s been exactly one week since Katie Holmes celebrated Independence Day early by overriding her internal hard drive thus taking back control of her brain from Tommy Girl, and so far she spent the day buying leche at the Whole Foods by her apartment in Chelsea. This is, of course, SIREN-BUSTING BREAKING NEWS, because a little over a week ago, Katie couldn’t reach for milk without a Scientology handler zapping her in the hand with an electrocution saber before telling her that she should really buy a bag of barley and distilled water instead. Freedom definitely tastes like the opposite of barley water.

So, there’s a million upon a million #tomkatastrophe stories out there and every time I read one, another one pops up. Can’t somebody start a 24-hour cable channel where peen puppets act out all of these stories. That’s a missed opportunity. Anyway, let’s get this mess:

From TMZ – Being the bossy bottom that he is, Tommy Girl controlled every single part of Katie’s life including her career. That’s your cue to chap your vocal cords while letting out the longest DUUUUUUUH in history. Tommy wouldn’t let the studio who distributed Thank You For Not Smoking use any pictures of Katie kissing Aaron Eckhart in their promo materials. Also, during the media tour for Batman Begins, Tommy chained Katie inside of his private jet and wouldn’t allow her to fly with the rest of the cast. This “disgusted“ Morgan Freeman. TMZ asked Morgan for a comment, but he was too busy not giving a fuck about all of this.

From TMZ – Some source says that despite what every whore is shouting, Katie not extending her contract with Tommy has nothing to do with Scientology. Katie’s team is only using the Scientology shit to get at Tommy. Katie was practically one of L. Ron Hubbard’s main homegirls and would go to meetings and audits by herself. Bitch probably only went because she’d rather burn her “Thetans” off in the sauna than look at Tommy’s face at home. Also, I’d hardly call “Tommy controlling Katie’s ability to walk via remote control” as Katie doing that shit on her own.

From Radar: Scientologists brainwashed Isabella and Connor into thinking that their mom Nicole Kidman is a sociopath. They were forced to sit in daily sessions where they were told over and over again that Nicole is nuts. Or the Scientologists just saved their words and tried to prove to Isabella and Connor that Nicole is crazy by showing them Bewitched on a loop. It worked, obviously.

From The Village Voice: SCIENTOLOGY CRUMBLING. The headline paired with a picture of Tommy and David Miscavige butching it up on bikes says it all.

From Radar: The President of Scientology’s 27-year-old son mysteriously died from a fever 4 days ago and his mom, who quit the Church of Xenu in 2010, hasn’t been allowed to see his body.

From The Village Voice: David Miscavige’s wife Shelly hasn’t been seen or heard from since 2007. Shelly went missing right after she started looking for a job without getting her master’s permission first. Tony Ortega, VV’s Scientology expert, thinks that maybe Scientology is holding Shelly in one of their compounds, but I’d like to think she pulled some Sleeping with the Enemy shit and is living under a new name in Cedar Falls.

From Radar: Scientologists are flooding major media websites and trying to get the anti-Xenu comments from commenters removed by reporting that shit to Google.

So basically, all of this has Scientologists losing their minds (more than usual) and the only Scientologist that is secretly happy about this is John Travolta. For the first time in weeks, bitches are sniffing up Tommy’s Scientolohole and leaving John’s itchy Scientolohole alone for now.

Katie Holmes Wants To Take This Shit Public

Ever since Katie Holmes took shit from serious to SERIOUS by filing for sole custody of Suri Cruise in NYC, the media has been saying that it’s only a matter of days before Tommy Girl files his own divorce papers in California. In California, Tommy has a better chance of getting joint custody of L. Ron Hubbard’s golden child and if he doesn’t, he can easily grab her, take her to the flying pirate ship in  Scientology’s California desert compound and fly her off to space where she can be raised by moon craters or whatever. Hollywood Life (aka grainofsalt.org) says that Katie’s lawyers know what Tommy is trying to do and they’re one step ahead of his ass. They filed for an emergency hearing in NYC yesterday, forcing Tommy to get himself a New York lawyer and show his face in court on July 17th. Katie wants a judge to grant her temporary full custody of Suri and give her some child support. HL says this is Katie’s way of letting Tommy know that she’ll happily break Scientology’s fourth wall if he tries to fuck with her. A source put it like this:

Katie filed an ‘emergent application’ in New York City on July 3. It’s a motion seeking temporary emergency relief, which can include child support and custody. It also means that Tom is going to have to hire a New York lawyer — he can’t use his Calif. lawyer anymore. The motion also means that both Tom and Katie have to be present in court on July 17. A judge is now assigned to their case, which means it’s no longer going to be an out-of-court settlement. They are scheduled to appear before Judge Matthew Cooper on July 17 at 9:30 AM. 

Katie doesn’t anticipate Tom cooperating, and there have been rumors that he’s going to file in Calif. and argue that litigation should be there rather than New York. Bottom line: if you file an emergency motion, you don’t believe there’s going to be cooperation from the other party or you need an order that only the court can give. It might have something to do with trying to control the media.They filed under anonymous verses anonymous to avoid the media. Most celebs do that. It’s unlikely for a celebrity to file an emergency hearing, because most celebrities settle out of court because they don’t want the media involved in their case. Katie and Tom are now going to have an open court room, which means that anyone can walk in and see what’s happening. Plus, they are putting their case in the hands of a judge who is going to determine what happens next. Most public figures don’t want that — it’s a last resort. It’s super-aggressive for Katie to have taken these steps. It suggests that there’s going to be a contentious divorce battle to come.”

If this is true, then I guess in two weeks we’ll all be sitting in the back of a NYC courtroom eating popcorn and drinking white wine spritzers out of white grape juice bottles while watching the real-life Scientologized remake of Not Without My Daughter. That shit is going to be a show. It’s times like this when I wish Judge Judy was still a practicing family court judge and that one of her aliases is Judge Matthew Cooper. Judge Judy would rip Tommy a new asshole and not in the way he’d like. “Don’t shit on my face and tell me it’s cum, Tommy!” 

Here’s Katie and Suri celebrating Tommy’s 50th birthday last night by eating freshly churned freedom.

Katie Holmes Really Is Running And She’s Taking Suri With Her

You know, I’ve been wondering why Suri Cruise hasn’t been stomping the streets in her Louboutin Jr. heels. Now we know it’s because she needed some sensible flats on her feet for when she needed to ruuuuuuuuuuuuuun.

Shit is getting real, because TMZ says that when Katie Holmes filed papers yesterday in NYC to legally cancel her bearding contract with Tommy Girl, she did it behind his back and he never saw it coming. So I’m guessing Suri created a diversion by having a tantrum on the floor in front of the guard guarding the locked door to Katie’s windowless cell. As Suri kept the guard busy, Katie pulled away the “I Love L. Ro” poster on her wall and crawled through the hole that she’s been digging for the past 5 years with a metal spoon. Then she ran to a getaway car driven by Dawson. That’s exactly how it happened.

And now that Katie has de-programmed herself. She’s really going hard. Katie wants sole custody of Scientology’s golden child. A source tells Radar that Katie wants sole custody of Suri, because she is sick of raising her the Xenu-way and is even more sick of Suri’s barley breath:

“Katie and Tom also have very different parenting views. Katie wants Suri to go to school with other children and have a grounded routine whereas Tom doesn’t, he wants her schooled in the same manner as Connor and Isabella were. Tom is nowhere near as strict as Katie is and doesn’t believe in disciplining Suri, whereas Katie believes that is important. Tom basically treats Suri as a little adult, however Katie treats her like a six-year-old child, and that causes some major clashes over parenting style.”

Woe is Tommy. Who’s he going to dress up in pink frilly dresses and parade in front of the paparazzi so he looks like a perfectly family man? I guess John Travolta is always available.

Why Can’t We All Have A Stepford Katie To Carry Us Around Everywhere We Go?

After spending your late night drunkenly twisting in front of a webcam while trying to recreate that Zoo Bee Zoo Bebe Zahara Benet shit from Mad Men, your legs are probably as sore as a twisted nipple. If you’re the Empress of Scientology, Suri Cruise, all you had to do was use your telekinetic powers to ring the Baccarat crystal bell next to your princess bed and Stepford Katie would immediately gallop to whisk you off to wherever you want to go.

Suri has a mother whose soul has been replaced with Talking Tina parts and a father who makes bat shit look sane, but besides that she really does have it all. Suri has her own golden geese farm, a closet full of custom-made diamond dust flats and she never EVER has to touch the sidewalk for the rest of her life. You’d think that Katie would have Madge-like biceps by now, because when she’s not carrying Suri around, she carries Tommy Girl around whenever he can’t walk due to a sprained prostate.

Here’s more of human chariot Stepford Katie carrying 5-year-old Suri to their apartment in NYC last night. This is like Footprints in the Sand as rewritten by Veruca Salt.

Tommy In A Teacup

You might think that you’re looking at a simple picture of Tommy Girl spending some quality time with Blue Ivy’s arch rival Suri Cruise at Disneyland in Anaheim, but some serious business is going down here. This isn’t fun-having. This is training. When Xenu finally beams himself down to earth and queefs out a billion thetans that will plug up our plumbing pipes, preventing our men from having “cleansing” time with their “bros” in the steam sauna, spinning space pods will land to take us to the promise planet. So Tommy isn’t having fun, he’s preparing himself for the spinning pod. That’s why every time you stick out your finger and tell him to sit and spin, he shrugs and does it.

If you were ever doubting that celebwhores get special treatment, slap yourself and then come back to these pictures. Like that midget bitch Tommy is really tall enough to ride that ride. Every Disney employee turned their head when Suri gave Tommy a lift so the top of his hair touched that line.

Also, I’m pretty sure Suri is a Juggalette now. She’ll take her barley water with a shot of Faygo.

Also also, now I know why the boys in the sauna call him Tea Party Tom. By day, he’s the tea bag in a teacup and by night he’s tea bagging at tea parties.