Tommy Reportedly Can’t Talk To Suri About Thetans And Stuff

July 10, 2012 / Posted by:

Seen her a while ago being the tea bag instead of getting tea bagged like usual, Tom Cooze apparently agreed to keep all Scientology-related stuff in his mouth when he’s around Suri and Katie Holmes also agreed to not fill her daughter’s head with any talk about religion until she gets older. Shortly after, Tommy and Katie signed their divorce settlement agreement and shoved those papers up somewhere that nobody will dare to go (aka John Travolta’s Scientolohole), the details began to leak (“Oops. I fawted.” – Travolta). We already know that Katie got primary physical custody of Suri and TMZ says that both sides also agreed to shut their lips about religion. Katie also gets to decide where Suri goes to school.

A source tells TMZ that the “custodial provisions” part of the agreement is no joke and covers a large part of Suri’s childhood. As the years ago by, Katie and Tommy can slowly fill her ears with religion talk including alien tales according to L. Ron. So basically, Scientology will have to get a new golden child. But wait, Katie’s lawyer tells People that all this speculation needs to be taken with a grain of barley dust:

“There are numerous inaccuracies in the reports regarding the purported contents of the agreement reached between the parties,” says attorney Jonathan Wolfe. “The agreement is confidential and its terms will not be disclosed.”

Whatever, I believe the Scientology ban and Katie should really get a parade for winning that battle, but she isn’t the real winner in all of this. It’s Suri! Suri doesn’t have to get her brain washed with alien shit AND she doesn’t have to sit through a 4 hour-long Catholic mass on Sunday morning. You don’t know how many times I was dragged away from my cartoon-viewing on a Sunday morning to go to mass with my abuelita. The worst part of Catholic mass is sitting on a hard ass seat while watching the growns sip on a christblood-tini. The children didn’t get any refreshments! Not even a virgin christblood-tini. Rude.

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