Robert Pattinson Is Not Dating Elvis’ Granddaughter

Yesterday, The Daily Mail said that RPattz is smearing glitter grease all over the body of Lisa Marie Presley’s daughter Riley Keough (born name: Danielle Riley Keough) and that the news hurt Kristen Stewart, because she wants to be the one munching on Elvis’ granddaughter’s box instead of RPattz. Well, Riley’s rep tells Gossip Cop that The Daily Mail is telling lies. And I’m telling Riley’s rep that they’re telling lies because The Daily Mail never tells lies! But whatever…

Riley’s rep says that RPattz and Riley aren’t licking each other’s taints and that wasn’t her in the pictures of him driving around in his pick-up truck with a girl. They’re not dating.

The good news is that Twihards can stop making Riley Keough voodoo dolls and can spend their entire holiday weekend chanting ROBSTENISUNBROKEN while fapping with an Edward Cullen doll. The better news is that I finally had a reason to post this gorgeous cover of People Magazine of Lisa Marie with frosted hair and vampire brows.

Robert Pattinson Is Dating Elvis’ Granddaughter

After pictures of RPattz riding around in his pickup truck with Lisa Marie Presley’s daughter Riley Keough came out, her “close friend” told The Daily Mail that they have seen a little bit of liquid glitter trickling out of the side of her mouth and that’s because she’s sucked off the sparkle rod.

24-year-old Riley and 27-year-old RPattz first met a few years ago when she played Cherie Currie’s sister in The Runaways, which Kristen Stewart was in. They stayed friendly but didn’t start to really hang out (read: 69 until their parts go raw) until they ran into each other and some Dior event last month. RPattz is currently the face of Dior Homme and Riley used to be the face of Dior Cherie. The Daily Mail says that Riley, who was engaged to Alex Petmyfur at one point, “bears a striking resemble” to KStew. The Daily Mail is so right. If you scrubbed KStew down several times with industrial-strength Zep, changed her face, dyed her hair ginger and I looked at her without my contacts in, she’d totally look like Riley Keough.

The Daily Mail’s source says that Riley and RPattz have only been doing each other for a short time and it’s more of a casual thing than something long-term.

“They’re inseparable. Rob loves the fact that Riley is Elvis’s granddaughter – that’s true Rock’n’Roll royalty in his eyes. [Their relationship is] short-term lust right now rather than long-term love’. Riley was always Kristen’s friend dating back from their time filming The Runaways but recently Rob and Riley been spending much more time together since meeting through their Dior modeling connection and Riley has stayed over at Rob’s Los Feliz apartment. They have a lot in common- they both love LA, London, rock music and table tennis.”

Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart’s emotional scale went from “…. … drool…..” to “AAAAAAAAAHFUCKER” when she found out that Riley’s humping on RPattz. KStew has always felt like Riley’s mentor (???) and she feels violated by RPattz. KStew has every right to feel violated. Finding out that some chick you were in a movie with once is doing your ex-boyfriend is so much worse than finding out that your girlfriend got her coochie munched on by a married man in her Mini Cooper.

But whatever, we all know what’s really going on here. RPattz is obviously just using Riley to get closer to the purest rose of Graceland: PRISCILLA PRESLEY! 

He played a vampire in a bunch of dumb movies, she’s a vampire in real life. He can make a Twihard’s coochie explode just by winking and if she had the ability to move her eyelids, she could make a mere mortal’s soul explode just by winking. It’s meant to be.