File Under “Shocking To Absolutely No One”: Gaby Hoffmann Ate Her Placenta After She Gave Birth

When it was announced back in June that former child star and current Adam’s crazy hipster sister on Girls Gaby Hoffmann was knocked up with a tiny kombucha-scented vegan cronut, I knew right away that we were but months away from some potential hipster-sounding birth story foolery. Sadly, when she did finally give birth to a baby girl on November 19th, there didn’t seem to be any. No hand-carved reclaimed barn wood birthing pools filled with organic rainwater. No small-batch epidurals made from steeped sage leaves and raw honey. Even the baby’s name – Rosemary – was pretty normal.

However, she didn’t totally let me down. During the Girls Season 4 premiere on Monday, Gaby disclosed her post-baby secret to People, and just like January Jones before her, that secret is eating her placenta:

“Placenta, placenta, placenta. Just eat that shit up, and it does a girl good! I made smoothies out of it for three weeks. I had a home birth, so my midwife and my doula took it and cut it up into 20 pieces and froze it, and every day, I put it in a blender with strawberries and blueberries and guava juice and a banana, and I drank that shit up.”

I wish I was half as enthusiastic about anything as Gaby Hoffmann is about eating her placenta. I picture her in a little party hat throwing herself a placenta fiesta every morning as she dances into the kitchen and throws on the Vitamix.

I feel like I’m in no place to throw any kind of shade at Gaby for eating her birth extras, because I’ve put worse shit in my mouth. And when I say shit, I mean, literal garbage. One time I made a sandwich that was just Doritos between two slices of white bread. “One time? LOL, that’s cute” just hissed my stomach. I’ve also been known to replace milk with melted ice cream in my cereal. I’m literally at the point in my life where eating my placenta would be considered a positive lifestyle change.

Half Of The “Now And Then” Chicks Are Now Knocked Up

What in the name of Scott Wormer is going on here? First Christina Ricci announces to Us Weekly she’s rented out her womb to a tiny doll-faced fetus, now Gaby Hoffmann has confirmed to People that she too is chauffeuring a baby around inside her body. Next thing you know, Thora Birch will be announcing in the diaper aisle of a San Gabriel CVS that she would consider having a baby, and also that she’s finished filling out her job application and she’s ready to meet with the manager. And sadly, we’ll never hear from Ashleigh Aston Moore, because she’s singing “Knock Three Times” with the angels now.

Gaby Hoffmann, the little girl from Field of Dreams, Uncle Buck, and Adam’s insane sister on Girls, will soon be a member of the stroller mafia. People says that Bagy (typo that stays because it’s what the picture above would want) showed up to the premiere of the film Obvious Child on Wednesday night showing off the kind of stomach that says “Get me a pickle and a pint of Cherry Garcia to dip it in.” No word on who the father is, so I’m going to guess either Michael Cera or the Magical Cactus.

No T no shade, Gaby reminds me of the kind of person Katy Perry would buy healing crystals from, so I look forward to several months from now when we’re treated to some truly Shailene Woodley-worthy birth stories. Forget eating the placenta, Gaby will wear the placenta like a hat as a symbol of her child’s brave journey from the womb, and then once it’s all dried up, she’ll proudly cut off her placenta-crusted hair and knit herself a drawstring pouch for her Diva Cup.