George Meets The Parents

Score 1 for Elisabetta Canalis. And score 0 for her “jeliz fat ugly haterz“. Elisabetta Canalis tore George Clooney away from his dildo chair (don’t worry, it will heal) to take him over to her home island of Sardinia to meet her parents Cesare and Bruna.

In between sightseeing and dinner with Elisabetta’s parents, George signed autographs and hugged and kissed all the locals. At one point, People says George posed for a picture with someone’s baby when a trick in the crowd (who Elisabetta probably paid) screamed in Italian “Ora tocca a te! [It’s your turn now!]” A witness said, “Clooney obviously didn’t understand, but everyone turned to look at Elisabetta. She simply smiled.”

Elisabetta wasn’t smiling because the sight of George Clooney with a baby made her womb coo. No, bitch smiled because she pictured the baby as a giant bag of money. You would smile too.

Speaking of meeting the parents, let’s all share our own stories. My ass doesn’t have a lot of “meet the parents stories” to tell since most of the bitches I date live by the “Don’t Bring a Dumb Slut Home to Mom” rule. But when I was 19, my boyfriend at the time really wanted me to meet his mom. When we first started dating, he told me that his mom hated his gayness and therefore automatically hated all of his boyfriends. That’s always fun. I only agreed to go, because we were meeting her at a chocolate shop she worked at. And well, I figured being called a “sinning fudge packer” while nibbling on a piece fudge would be a good memory to stick in the scrap book in my head.

So when we finally got there, the second thing she said to me after “Hello, how are you?” was, “You got some of that Oriental in you? My cousin married one of those. They divorced now.” But the worst part was that the only free chocolate I got was a white chocolate truffle with cherries. It was fucking disgusting! I mean, I could’ve gotten better free chocolate at See’s and they wouldn’t have called me an Oriental to my face!

Speaking Of Smug Bitches….

YES! You know, I was a little worried for Elisabetta Canalis for a quick second after seeing pictures of her forecasting her inevitable demise as George Clooney’s #1 anus plumper. But Elisabetta must have made George’s peen lips pucker since then, because her side-eye of worry is gone and has been replaced with her usual beautiful smug as fuck face.

As George signed autographs outside of Ago restaurant in L.A. last night, Elisabetta stood by and threw up her twin coke portals at the “UGLY JELIZZ FAT-PUSSIED NASTEE HATERZ” (her words, probably) who keep trying to push her out of the way. Elisabetta is almost making me say, “Sarah Larson WHO?!”

This picture is one of my favorites:

I don’t know what’s funnier. That someone is asking Elisabetta for her autograph. (Wait, maybe those are her walking papers. Or maybe he thinks she’s Steven Tyler.). Or that Elisabetta is giving him some shade to sit under. Okay, I can finally type this with confidence: Sarah Larson WHO?!

Sitting On Their Ass: Who Does It Better?

Above is a bitchy ass cat in a tie sitting on a toddler’s armchair while a bunch of kids sing “Happy Birfday!” to him. And below is an english bull dog sitting on his ass while watching the Family Guy. T

he mad pussy gets points for keeping his claws to himself even though he’s scratching the nostrils off of every person in the room with his eyes. However, the bulldog gets a million bonus points, because I’m pretty sure he actually enjoys sitting like Al Bundy with his pants off. If he didn’t have to lick his own asshole, he’d sit there all day and night. If his asshole was on one paw and his balls were on the other, he would be in heaven! Yeah, the dog does it better.

via Gawker TV