Christ Bearer Cut His Dick Off Because He Couldn’t See His Daughters

May 12, 2014 / Posted by:

Last month, some of us hos who didn’t know who Christ Bearer was learned who Christ Bearer was when he fucked up his chances of ever getting grapefruited by cutting his peen off before jumping off of an apartment balcony in L.A. Christ Bearer (born name: Andre Johnson) is all healed now and he tells TMZ why he Lorena Bobbitt’d himself and his explanation makes about as much sense as cutting your dick off does. The only reasonable reason to take a butcher knife to your peen is if you just had bareback sex with Parasite Hilton. That’s not Christ Bearer’s reason.

Christ Bearer says that he was feeling extra low that night, because he couldn’t see his two daughters due to a restraining order that was placed against him by his estranged piece who’s also knocked up with his third kid. Christ Bearer says that he smoked some weed (and by “smoked some weed,” I’m guessing he means “smoked all the PCP“) and started reading about monks and vasectomies, which gave him ideas. Obviously, while reading about vasectomies, Christ Bearer didn’t read the definition of vasectomy, because he cut off his dick instead of cutting off his nuts. He didn’t say why he jumped off that balcony, but you know, jumping off of a balcony is kind of a natural reaction to realizing that you just cut off your dick.

The good news is that despite TMZ saying that doctors couldn’t re-attach his dick, Johnson’s got his johnson back. Plastic surgeon’s were able to sew his peen back on and yes, it hates him and will never forgive him for this, but it’s fully functional.

As for Christ Bearer’s mental state, he answered that question when TMZ asked him about his future with Wu-Tang and he said, “I am the fucking Wu Tang.” That answers that.

Our commenting rules: Don't be racist or bigoted, or get into long-ass fights, or go way off topic when not in an Open Post. Also, promoting adblockers, your website, or your forum is not allowed. And some comment threads will be pre-moderated, so it may take a second for your comment to show up if it's approved.

alt="drupal analytics" >