Eddie Murphy Follows Brett Ratner Out The Door

Brett Ratner bowed out as producer of the Oscars last night to devote more time to making love to a bowl of shrimp scampi and now his homegirl Eddie Murphy is doing the same thing. But Eddie wants only transsexual hooker shrimps in his bowl, thankyouverymuch.

The Academy president let out a statement today saying that Eddie believes in “bros before ho…scars” shit and feels like it’s wrong for him to stay on as host without his partner in douchery. As his assistants packed up the dozens of lady fat suits he planned on changing into throughout the ceremony, Eddie said these words:

“First and foremost I want to say that I completely understand and support each party’s decision with regard to a change of producers for this year’s Academy Awards ceremony. I was truly looking forward to being a part of the show that our production team and writers were just starting to develop, but I’m sure that the new production team and host will do an equally great job.”

Where do I sign the “Courtney Stodden 4 Oscar host” petition? Every presenter will have to say “…and the glisteningly glimmery Oscar that my long lingering fingers are sumptuously caressing the succulent heat off of gorgeously goes to…” and the show will be cut short halfway through after Courtney is kicked out of the theater for tarnishing the innocent no-eyes of the statues by being too sexy. Courtney Stodden 4 Oscar host! Get the “Betty White 4 SNL host” people on it.

via Deadline

Brett Ratner Quits The Oscars

For those of you hoping that the 2012 Oscars will have ticking statues that will blow up in the winner’s hand when their speech is too long and award escorts cast from Craigslist’s “casual encounters” section, you’re in for a world of disappointment, because Brett Ratner has pink-slipped himself as the producer of that mess following the rainbow-colored shit storm he created by saying “rehearsal is for fags” during a Q&A. Brett already said to GLAAD, “Like, I’m sorry, brah!” and GLAAD took his apology, but some Academy members still wanted him thrown into a dumpster behind the Kodak Theater. Brett decided to make it easier for everyone involved so he quit that bitch.

A team of publicists and administrative assistants worked for most of the day on a well-written and eloquent exit statement while Brett fucked a can of shrimp in the bathroom. Here’s what the talking skid mark on a frat boy’s boxers had to say:

An Open Letter to the Entertainment Industry from Brett Ratner

Dear Colleagues,

Over the last few days, I’ve gotten a well-deserved earful from many of the people I admire most in this industry expressing their outrage and disappointment over the hurtful and stupid things I said in a number of recent media appearances. To them, and to everyone I’ve hurt and offended, I’d like to apologize publicly and unreservedly.

As difficult as the last few days have been for me, they cannot compare to the experience of any young man or woman who has been the target of offensive slurs or derogatory comments. And they pale in comparison to what any gay, lesbian, or transgender individual must deal with as they confront the many inequalities that continue to plague our world.

So many artists and craftspeople in our business are members of the LGBT community, and it pains me deeply that I may have hurt them. I should have known this all along, but at least I know it now: words do matter. Having love in your heart doesn’t count for much if what comes out of your mouth is ugly and bigoted. With this in mind, and to all those who understandably feel that apologies are not enough, please know that I will be taking real action over the coming weeks and months in an effort to do everything I can both professionally and personally to help stamp out the kind of thoughtless bigotry I’ve so foolishly perpetuated.

As a first step, I called Tom Sherak this morning and resigned as a producer of the 84th Academy Awards telecast. Being asked to help put on the Oscar show was the proudest moment of my career. But as painful as this may be for me, it would be worse if my association with the show were to be a distraction from the Academy and the high ideals it represents.

I am grateful to GLAAD for engaging me in a dialogue about what we can do together to increase awareness of the important and troubling issues this episode has raised and I look forward to working with them. I am incredibly lucky to have a career in this business that I love with all of my heart and to be able to work alongside so many of my heroes. I deeply regret my actions and I am determined to learn from this experience.

Sincerely,
Brett Ratner

What he really meant is: “Blah blah blah blah blah but I still get to jack my pencil eraser dick with the finest imported shrimp grease in the world, fags!”

You know, the Academy doesn’t have to look far for Brett’s replacement. They just have to tilt their heads and look up a few branches above Brett on his family tree and they’ll find his gorgeously perfect grandmother Fanita (the jewel in the picture above). Fanita is the real star of that family. The Oscars should just be 10 hours of Fanita glimmering at the camera while throwing statues at the winners’ heads.

via Deadline

Paging Dr. 90210! Heidi Montag’s Skin Fell Off Again

No, this can’t be Heidi Montag without her Mattel-made plastic shell on, because she already replaced all her muscles and veins with time release fake tan pouches and tubes filled with Victoria’s Secret passion fruit body spray. This is the winner of every Halloween Heidi Klum simultaneously making Buffalo Bill and The BODIES exhibit dude rub at their foreskin by showing up to her Halloween party in Las Vegas on Saturday night dressed up like the human anatomy chart in my 7th grade science classroom. Or maybe Heidi is Courtney Stodden after she sheds her porn iguana skin off through the power of sexy face. Or maybe she’s the state of Lindsay Lohan’s career? Or Skeletor’s lipstick dick after he humps the side of the ottoman for too long? Whatever she is, bitch wins at Halloween yet again.

If you’re fuck deficient when it comes to dressing up for Halloween, then don’t worry, because Heidi is Halloween-ing for all of us.