This Is The World We Live In: Jordan Catalano Has An Oscar

When Jared Leto won an Oscar tonight for Dallas Buyers Club, I wondered how it was possible for Jordan Catalano to have an Oscar when Kimmy Gibler does not? How is it possible that nobody has cast Kimmy Gibler as Helen Keller and how is it possible that she hasn’t won an Oscar for it? The world we live in never makes any sense to me.

As every single living thing in the world expected, Jared Leto won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor tonight and I thought his speech was going to take my eyeballs on a roller coaster ride of emotions. Up, down, to the side and back again, but it was kind of sweet (and my cunt gene curled and threw a disappointing look at me when I typed that). Jared Leto thanked his mom and he mentioned all of the people who have suffered from AIDs. But you know, now that I think about it, this selfish bitch didn’t thank Rayanne Graff or Rickie Vasquez or even Angela Chase! Jared Catalano doesn’t remember where he came from. You had one job, Jordan Catalano! One job!

America’s Sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence Fell On The Oscars Red Carpet, Because Of Course She Did

Very early this morning at a studio in North Hollywood, Jennifer Lawrence and her team of choreographers worked for hours upon hours on perfecting her choreographed and staged Oscars red carpet fall. I mean… Jennifer Lawrence once again tripped and fell after showing up to the Oscars tonight. I would scream, “THAT STUNT QUEEN WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO MAKE US ALL THINK SHE’S SO RILL,” but then the US government would declare me an enemy of the country and deport half of me back to El Salvador and the other half of me back to Japan. So I’ll just say that Jennifer Lawrence is so quirky and so klutzy and so one of us. And since she fell last year and already fell tonight, I wonder what she will do if she wins over Lupita Nyong’o tonight? She’ll probably shit and piss her dress. She’s got a bottle full of watered down lemonade and a half-melted bag of Snickers shoved up her dress just in case she wins.