Hot Slut Of The Day!
Little Red Riding Hood from a 1984 commercial for Sugar Free Dr. Pepper!
Companies using fairy tales as a capitalist tool to sell their shit is nothing new. Although, I’m sure that the ghosts of The Brothers Grimm beam with immense pride every time their character is used in an ad, like the time Snow White was used to push a 1-900 chat line for kids! But one fairy tale-themed commercial that seemed to live in my brain for eons and played throughout the 1980s was one from Sugar Free Dr. Pepper. It starred a Little Red Riding Hood who wasn’t your grandma’s Little Red Riding Hood… unless your grandma grew up in the 1980s, and then your ass just called me old.
The Little Red Riding Hood in the Sugar Free Dr. Pepper commercial from 1984 was more like Little Red Skating Sweatband, and instead of being a little girl, she was a full-grown California blonde adult. Little Red was played by Katherine Kelly Lang (aka Brooke Logan from The Bold and the Beautiful), who looks like she was just skating back from auditioning for the role of Cindy Snow in Three’s Company. The commercial starts with Little Red magically rollerskating along a magically paved road through the forest to her grandmother’s house when the Big Bad Wolf stops her. When he reaches into her basket (not a euphemism), she gets annoyed and offers him low-fat cottage cheese, which he rudely swats away. She then offers him some diet cola, and he shit on that too. But when she pulls out a glorious bottle of Sugar Free Dr. Pepper and tells him she’s been saving it for herself, he takes it from her and guzzles it down. That’s when this commercial takes us from Little Red Riding Hood to Beauty and the Beast because that Sugar Free Dr. Pepper transforms the Big Bad Wolf into a yuppie stock broker on skates (more terrifying than the Big Bag Wolf, honestly). Little Red then turns to the camera to say, “mama warned me about wolves,” before skating off with her silent yuppie stockbroker piece. This is probably how many Little Red porn parodies start:
Honestly, Little Red’s mama and grandmama need to have a talk with her. She ran into a creepy, snarling creature who not only tried to steal her stuff but also took her stuff without saying thank you, and the second he turns into a “hot guy,,” she forgets how rude he is and gets with him. Actually, since I put it that way, Little Red is just like me. Or maybe Little Red knows something we don’t know and isn’t smiling at the end because she’s about to get some big bad wolf dick. Maybe she’s smiling because she got revenge on the Big Bad Wolf by poisoning him with Sugar Free Dr. Pepper. I mean, a soda that’s got so many chemicals in it that it can completely alter one’s DNA in seconds can’t be good for you.
Pic: YouTube