Hot Slut Of The Day!
Brach’s Christmas Nougats!
For some, it isn’t Christmastimes until they’ve dry heaved at the sight of a dust-covered pile of Brach’s Christmas Nougats lying in a candy jar on the coffee table in their memaw’s nice living room. And I say “dust-covered” because a lot of people keep their mouths away from those teeth-destroying discs from holiday HELL. But not me. I’ve always loved them, which says everything about me. If I ever told my therapist that I actually enjoyed eating a Brach’s Christmas Nougat, they’d probably say, “Um, let’s up our sessions to three times a week and talk about getting you on some meds.”
I’m not exactly sure when Brach’s first burped up their Christmas Nougats but they’ve been terrorizing teeth for decades and they’re still at it. They’ve come in several flavors throughout the years, but the original Christmas Nougat is a chewy peppermint round with a little Christmas tree in the middle of it. They regularly make the worst Christmas candy lists and have taken the top spot a few times, including this year’s list from Candystore.com. Candystore writes that a Christmas Nougat looks like a poker chip from The Sads Casino and that they mess up your jaw more than blowing The Hammaconda does. They also think that Brach’s Christmas Nougats are the Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney of holiday candy because nougat and mint is a confusing union:
The peppermint nougat candies have a fundamental problem. It seems they are thought of by many to have a flavor that is inconsistent with expectations for a nougat candy. Chewy texture suggests to many a rich caramel or chocolate experience. Maybe the minty flavor is just at odds with what your brain expects. Brain-mouth dissonance?
Also, some iterations do look like a poker chip that you can only cash in for sadness. Others look like a 1950s Jello party gone horribly wrong. The consistency at first is slightly resistant to the bite down and then accelerating into soft and gooey acceptance and then instant regret.
The hate! Well, at least I know that if Brach’s Pick-A-Mix stand still existed, I wouldn’t have to brawl a bitch for the Christmas Nougats because nobody would want that shit. I don’t understand why. I get that they taste like Santa’s hemorrhoids to some, but they’re more than candy. They’re also the perfect thing to keep people from talking to you at a party. First of all, people will take one look at you eating one and say, “Ew, I’m not going to talk to that weirdo eating that gross candy.” Second of all, you can pass the time and entertain yourself by carefully eating around that tree to free it from its nougat prison. Hours of entertainment!
And I bet I’m not the only one who loves those weird things. Dentists and their checking accounts probably do too. Because that mess sticks to your teeth so much that after eating more than one, you’d say “fuck it” and make an emergency appointment with your dentist to have all your nougat-covered teeth removed.
Pic: Candy Warehouse