For some reason which is absolutely, thoroughly, and completely beyond my comprehension, several celebrities have let us know that despite having luxurious showers and bathtubs, they don’t like to use ’em. Unclear why, but Dax Shepard, Kristen Bell, Mila Kunis, and Ashton Kutcher all revealed some interesting bathing habits which would certainly have not flown in my house as a child, but I’m not these people’s parents. Well, add another to the list–Jake Gyllenhaal said he’s on Team Less Showers and takes a more relaxed approach to bathing.
Vanity Fair spoke with Jake Gyllenhaal and talked to him about his life as a New York actor who loves bagels and theatre work and also stars in a new Prada fragrance campaign for the new Luna Rossa Ocean. He doesn’t turn into a centaur in the clip though, so like… who cares!
While he’s boating on the ocean in the commercial, Jake’s relationship to water comes mostly from showering:
“Well, mostly it’s through showering. It’s mostly a bathing interaction. This is not actual water, like the Hudson, but there was that great spa, Aire, that has water underground. I went there a couple of times. What other water interactions have I had? I’m a pier kind of guy. I enjoy the piers. But I haven’t spent a lot of time, admittedly, on the Hudson itself. Maybe farther [upstate], but not here. Sorry to disappoint.”
Jake then threw out a little fap material for people whose kink is juicy pits, because he shared that he finds himself cleaning himself less and less. From the people who brought you Gamer Girl Bath Water, we now have Dirt Celebrity Bath Water. Ashton and Mila like to wait to “see dirt” on their children. Kristen and Dax wait to smell a funk. Unclear what triggers a shower from Jake:
“I always am baffled that loofahs come from nature. They feel like they’ve been made in a factory but, in fact, it’s just not true. Since I was young, it’s amazed me. More and more I find bathing to be less necessary, at times. I do believe, because Elvis Costello is wonderful, that good manners and bad breath get you nowhere. So I do that. But I do also think that there’s a whole world of not bathing that is also really helpful for skin maintenance, and we naturally clean ourselves.”
We naturally clean ourselves?! Sir… are you a cat? Does Jake Gyllenhaal kick his leg up into the air and lick his own ass hole? That I would like to see.
From now on every celebrity who says they don’t like to shower has to give up their bathroom. It’s ours now, they have to open it up to the public like a YMCA because someone should get to use those high-pressure rainforest faucets!