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Shimmers! 

In the 70s and 80s, Kenner gifted the world with Sea Wees, which were tiny mermaid dolls that made bathtime a zillion times more glamorous. And since the Sea Wees were a worldwide hit (not totally) and made Barbie nervously shift in her throne as the Queen of Dolls (not really), Kenner made Shimmers! Shimmers were born after Kenner asked themselves, “Hmmm, how can we make Sea Wees even more glamorously weird?”

While the Sea Wees were teeny tiny mermaids the size of a seahorse’s clit, the Shimmers were mostly teeny tiny centaurs. They were as if the Sea Wees’ mommy got into some bareback fuck action with a My Little Pony. Each Shimmer doll came with a baby, a comb, and some kind of accessory, like a bracelet or a bird. This description of the Shimmers from Ghost of the Doll reads like Chronicles of Narnia as interpreted by a low-tier romance writer (see: “delicate bodies glisten like pearl”):

“The Legend from the Shimmering Forest. In a secret land of fantasy live beautiful creatures, wild and free. Their delicate bodies glisten like pearl…part woodland animal, part beautiful girl. To most of us they can barely be seen at dusk and at dawn, and not in between. But to those lucky few who wish they could be like a horse in a meadow or a mermaid at sea, this secret land is always in sight, and beautiful Shimmers will always shine bright.”

And here’s a commercial from 1986 that shows the 80s majesticness of Shimmers!

My sister never had a Shimmer, but if she did, I definitely would’ve stolen it from her. To think of all the fun I could’ve had while making my Shimmer gallop through a cloud of bubbles in the bath. That has to be the gayest thing I’ve written in a while and that’s saying a lot. The next time I have to fill out my sexual orientation on a form, I’ll write: Gayer than a Shimmer galloping through a cloud of bubbles.

Pics: Ghost of the Doll