Open Post: Hosted By Auntie Anne’s Pretzel-Ordering Recliner

August 6, 2020 / Posted by:

The true Anne with an E (sorry, Anne of Green Gables and Anne Hathaway), Auntie Anne’s, knows that many of us Americans have the humans from WALL-E on our vision boards because we can’t wait to be lazy mounds of carbs whose asses are permanently attached to a La-Z-Boy recliner. So they’re helping us in fulfilling our dreams by giving away one recliner that lets you order their pretzels with just the pull of a lever. Yes, they’re giving away just one. And you thought your aunts were cheap. They ain’t got shit on Auntie Anne.

To promote their mobile ordering app, Auntie Anne’s said in a press release that they teamed up with “innovation experts” (read: lazy stoners who finished one course at DeVry) to make a Recline-To-Dine chair, which is basically just a knock-off La-Z-Boy that places an order for pretzels with the pull of a handle. Heather Neary, the president of Auntie Anne’s, explained it like this:

“Over the last several months, we heard from our fans that they missed Auntie Anne’s. As we launched our new contactless mobile ordering and pickup options, we wanted to truly celebrate by developing a fun and unique way for fans to fulfill their pretzel cravings. So, we got creative and developed a pretzel-lovers dream recliner. The Recline-To-Dine chair actually places an Auntie Anne’s order with just the pull of a lever for the ultimate delivery experience. A few fans were lucky enough to try it out and we received rave reviews! But more importantly, even without this super cool chair, anyone with a smartphone can now order freshly baked pretzels for contactless delivery, curbside pickup, or in-store pickup.”

Ronald McDonald is definitely throwing Auntie Anne’s a side-eye that reads, “What a McBiter!“, because McDonald’s made a McDelivery Couch last year.

To win Auntie Anne’s lazy chair, you have to enter a sweepstakes and one grand prize winner gets the Recline-To-Dine chair, a $1,300 credit at Auntie Anne’s to buy pretzels with, one year of streaming services, and Auntie Anne’s-branded stuff like socks, a pillow, and a blanket.

I know that Auntie Anne’s is trying to help one lazy trick be even lazier, but I don’t think this it. First of all, I’m all for doing physical labor by grabbing onto some hard wood, but not to order pretzels. Second of all, Auntie Anne’s has different kinds of pretzels, so I’d probably have to use the app anyway to change up my order if I want something else. Third of all, once my pretzels are delivered, I still have to pull my bloated carcass off of the chair and strain my leg muscles by walking over to the door to get that deliciousness. Unless I have a doggy door installed on my front door and add a note that asks any delivery person to please turn my bag of food into a bowling ball by throwing it through that doggy door so it can land near my chair. I should do that anyway.

But the real dealbreaker is that if someone comes over, they’ll take one look at my Auntie Anne’s recliner and immediately faint from the overwhelming elegance of it all. And how can I enjoy my pretzel when I’m too busy wondering when my friend is going to wake up and get out of my house already?!

Pic: Auntie Anne

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