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Fruit Islands cereal!

When I was a baby gay, this 20-something loser in the neighborhood always called me a fruit. And because my brain was brand new-ish and not tainted with the smegma of homophobic ugliness, I thought it was a compliment since fruits are sweet and glamorous goddess Carmen Miranda always wore them on her head. But I later learned what he really meant, and so whenever I see the word fruit, I think of that, which leads me to looking at “Fruit Islands” like a magical gay paradise island I want to go to! (“It’s called Fire Island, bitch,” said everyone.)

Fruit Islands was a cereal from Ralston and the cereal itself looked like dingles pulled off of a rainbow’s asshole. In other words, gorgeous! Fruit Islands probably should’ve been named Fruit Flavors And Chemicals Islands, because other than those real apple bits, there was no real fruit in that shit.

The mascots of Fruit Islands cereal were a hot top daddy bear fruit king, whose name was King Ayumayma, and his bumbling bottom boyfriend sidekick in a clearance section Party City afro wig:

Fruit Islands cereal did not make it out of the 1980s, as far as I know. And that’s shitty, because what other cereal was made up of fruit-flavored corn syrup nuggets that gave you fruit-flavored diabetes (see: every other cereal out there)?!

Pic: Pinterest