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Happy, Baby New Year from Rudolph’s Shiny New Year!
Shit is in a serious sad state when people are slobbering themselves dry, losing ovaries, and throwing their credit cards at Baby Yoda when Baby New Year has been here the whole time. Since 1976! Everyone who ever shared a Baby Yoda meme should really be tried with first-degree rudeness. But in the meantime, let’s turn our backs on Disney’s latest shameless money-grabber and pay tribute to the stunningly ugly Baby New Year, seen above looking like a blond, blue-eyed version of a 12-year-old me, or like a beige-colored hairless mouse who is getting attacked in the head by an evil ball of yarn.
When the stop-motion masterpiece Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer debuted on NBC in December 1964, it set records and not only became the #1 watched event of that year, but became the #1 watched event of that decade and century (do not fact check me on that, bitch! It’s the holidays). So because it became an instant classic, there was of course a sequel and that sequel came out in 1976 and took place right after Christmas. It also gave us the jacked-up beauty that is Baby New Year.
Mistletoe should be considered a schedule 1 controlled substance, because it’s obvious that’s what the makers were smoking when they came up with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. And when they came up with the sequel Rudolph’s Shiny New Year, they were obviously smoking mistletoe cut with some serious shit. Because Rudolph’s Shiny New Year was a real acid trip.
RSNY starts off right after RTRDR, and stars Rudolph, of course, who is asked by Santa to track down Happy (aka Baby New Year) because that brat has gone missing and a new year can’t begin until he’s found. So Rudolph travels to Father Time’s castle, where Happy lives, to get some intel and learns that Happy ran away after the evil fucks in his life, even his own nurse, made fun of his Will Smith-sized ears. If I was Rudolph, I’d probably look for Happy at a salon, or an orthodontist, or a plastic surgeon’s office. But Father Time tells Rudolph that Happy ran off to the islands to get his groove back (not like Stella, though, he’s a baby).
The islands that Happy ran off to are a set of islands where each one is stuck in a year from the past. So Rudolph has to visit each island to look for Happy and runs into a whale named Big Ben, cavemen, a knight from Medieval times, the Three Bears, and Benjamin Franklin. Eventually Rudolph finds out that Happy was kidnapped by an evil bird who takes him to a snowy mountain. Rudolph ends up rescuing Happy and they bond over ~unique~ body parts (Rudolph’s nose, Happy’s ears).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aj5LMS8qwAc
Of course, Happy gets to Father Time’s castle in time for a new year to begin. There’s, of course, a million other characters, details, and plots in there that I didn’t cover, like Happy hanging out with a baby dragon. Now if Game of Thrones was more like this, I’d be one of those crazies who goes on and on about Game of Thrones.
RSNY is streaming on YouTube if you want to know what it feels like to get a fucked up kind of high without actually getting a fucked up kind of high.
Here’s hoping that Baby New Year’s bootleg Baby Harpo Marx-looking ass makes it to Father Time’s castle tonight, because every lord knows it’s time for us to get far away from 2019 and look at it as a distant fart.
Happy New Year, all!
Pics: Fandom