Emma Watson Isn’t Single, She’s “Self-Partnered”

November 5, 2019 / Posted by:

In the past year or so, Emma Watson has been linked to Sam from Glee, a hot tech CEO, and Tom Felton. But if you ask Emma what her love life looks like right now, she’ll tell you that her main squeeze at the moment is herself. Except that’s not to say Emma is single. Like, you could technically say that, but Emma wouldn’t, because she’s got a far more sophisticated term for it.

Emma spoke with British Vogue about her upcoming film Little Women, and talked about turning 30 next April. She’s a little anxious about that:

“I was like, ‘Why does everyone make such a big fuss about turning 30? This is not a big deal.’ Cut to 29, and I’m like, ‘Oh my God, I feel so stressed and anxious. And I realize it’s because there is suddenly this bloody influx of subliminal messaging around. If you have not built a home, if you do not have a husband, if you do not have a baby, and you are turning 30, and you’re not in some incredibly secure, stable place in your career, or you’re still figuring things out…There’s just this incredible amount of anxiety.”

As we all know, Emma does not have a husband or a baby, and she’s not really that close at the moment. Emma is single. When you’re single, you find yourself with a whole lot more time on your hands. And that’s not a cranking-down euphemism – you literally have more time to yourself. How you spend that time is up to you. I’m guessing Emma has been spending her spare time browsing the archives of GOOP.com, because Emma’s latest revelation about her relationship status is pure Paltrow.

“I never believed the whole ‘I’m happy single’ spiel.’ I was like, ‘This is totally spiel.’ It took me a long time, but I’m very happy [being single]. I call it being self-partnered.”

Self-partnered isn’t necessary, but it’s also isn’t nearly as obnoxious as “consciously uncoupling.” Although it does sound a little too close to “selfie partner,” which is probably the word a Kardashian or Jenner uses in place of “child.”

But even though Emma is self-partnered, she is currently dating. I can’t help but feel bad for any dummies Emma brings home. Because when Emma tells them she’s already in a committed relationship, they probably start picturing a threesome. And then they’re beyond disappointed when she points to a mirror and proudly declares that’s the only partner that matters right now. And then that hookup is left wondering, “So…am I fucking the mirror or what? Tell me now, because I don’t know if I want to risk breaking it and cutting my dick on glass.

Pic: Alasdair McLellan/British Vogue

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