Open Post: Hosted By Fingerless Croc Gloves

August 6, 2019 / Posted by:

That guttural, anguished scream of abject disgust that woke you up out of a dead sleep this morning was not a dream. That shit was real as fuck and it came from Michael K’s house when he opened his web browswer this morning and saw the fuckery afoot at the hands of YouTuber Matt Benedetto. You see, Matt decided to play god, satan, and Dr. Frankenstein all at once by creating a pair of fingerless gloves out of a pair of Crocs. In addition to the obvious question of, “Why, god, why?”, the Croc glove also leaves one wondering if there is actually any order to the universe, or if we really are just a planet full of gaseous meat sacs bumping around and making an absolute mess out of things with our hubris and undeserved opposable thumbs.

I mean, the dinosaurs died out, became fossil fuels from which we extracted plastics for what? For this?!!?!

We’re doomed. According to Footwear News (makes a note in case I ever get fired from Dlisted), Matt is some kind of wacky inventor and not necessarily just a Croc-stan.

The inventor — who’s also created unconventional items like soleless shoes, a pizza-shaped fanny pack and a smartphone-size umbrella — created the wacky gloves using a 3-D printer.

I have to say, I feel slightly better about the world knowing there’s still room for the venerated tradition of wacky inventors to do their thing. For some individuals, wacky inventor is the only viable career alternative for those who’ve failed at becoming magicians, circus clowns, or song parodists. Think about it, if Weird Al didn’t become a musician, he’d probably be tinkering in a lab trying to make salad tongs for your feet. Here’s Matt trying to justify the existence of the Croc glove.

I’ll let Dr. Ian Malcolm have the final word.

Pic: YouTube

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