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July 20, 2019 / Posted by:

Froot Loops Cereal Straws!

Plastic straws are slowly and slowly becoming an environment-ruining thing of the past (which is why I bring penis paper straws with me to every restaurant I go), so now is the time for Froot Loops Cereal Straws to make their triumphant return. It is their time!

Some sites claim that Kellogg’s rolled up Cereal Straws (there was also a Cocoa Krispies version, and an Apple Jacks one too) in the 90s, but I don’t remember seeing Froot Loops Cereal Straws until the 2000s. They were a highly nutritious way to get kids to drink milk, and I’m sure kids used ’em to drink the entire glass of leche, and didn’t pull that Froot Loop Straw out of the glass, push that milk to the side, and pretend to smoke that cavities-inducing cylinder of corn syrup  like a cigarette before chomping it down.

Here’s a commercial for that mess co-starring Toucan Sam’s sugar-addicted hyper toucan kids:

Because I guess parents were tired of wiping up caca splatters on the toilet seat from their lactose-intolerant kids drinking milk, Americans started drinking less cow’s milk (and sticking a Froot Loop Straw in some almond milk just wasn’t the same, I guess), so Kellogg’s stopped making Cereal Straws in 2009.

But last year, thanks to a tweet and a Change.org petition, Kellogg’s brought them back for a limited-time to their cafe in NYC. Although, they looked nothing like the Froot Loops Cereal Straws we knew. They looked more like a cross between a dehydrated tape worm that was pulled out of a bloody ass and a sloppily-painted DIY skinny wooden dildo that was pulled out of a bloody ass.

So keep that shit Kellogg’s, and bring back the REAL Froot Loop Cereal Straws. Because I’m sure coke snorting just isn’t as colorful and sugary anymore.

Pic: Twitter

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