Night Crumbs
Madonna spit at her New York Times profile (the one where she once again said that her songs from Rebel Heart leaking felt like rape) because she thinks it was superficial and focused too much on her age. Reading it made Madonna feel like she was raped, and wants you all to know she can say that since she was assaulted for real. Never mind that the New York Times article I read must’ve been a different one since it was pretty positive, Madge just keeps throwing that rape word around so much that I’m guessing her assistant hears shit like this daily: “I asked for one tablespoon of organic chia seeds in my turmeric and fennel hot tea spritzer and you clearly put one and a half. I feel raped!” – Celebitchy
Us Weekly’s new issue is all about Brad Pitt’s new post-Angie life, and by the looks of the cover it seems his post-Angie life involves moisturizing his face with a heavy dollop of Photoshop every morning – Lainey Gossip
Bill and Ted’s grown daughters have been cast for the newest movie, and this is scientifically impossible since Bill and Ted are forever youngins’ who are incapable of making baby-creating jizz. This is just a fact! – Pajiba
“Honey, why did you throw your Axe in the garbage can?! It was a perfectly new bottle!” – the mothers of the three moronic straight dudes behind the straight pride parade screaming down into the basement at them – Towleroad
What in no-budget porn parody of Phantom of the Opera HELL is Parasite Hilton wearing? – Drunken Stepfather
Baby Shark is going to be the death of all of us – SOW
“Yes, this trick is just driving in her bra and don’t get on me about how that’s a bikini top and not a bra. I’m just a dog.” – that dog behind Miley Cyrus – Hollywood Tuna
Joey Fatone and the wife he said This I Promise You to 15 years ago are saying Bye Bye Bye to their marriage after being Gone from each other for years with Joey moving on to a new Girlfriend. You could really work every NSYNC song into this story – Just Jared
Pic: Wenn.com