Hot Slut Of The Day!
Pillsbury Figurines diet bars!
Long before we swallowed down Mother Nature’s hardest and chewiest turds known as RXBARS and Clif bars while trying to tell ourselves that shit passes as one full meal, there were other “diet” bars including Pillsbury Figurines. If you asked me a over a week ago if I knew what Pillsbury Figurine was, I’d figure it was some kind of Precious Moments Pillsbury Doughboy and I’d immediately want one. I didn’t know about Pillsbury Figurines until reader Maureen slid it into my inbox. But they were shat out by the Pillsbury Doughboy in 1972, and were sold as a “crunchy diet meal” in a bar. The shit we do (or in this case “eat“) to chase away the chunk.
Figurines were a candy bar-like diet bar that was a crunchy wafer on the outside and had a cream filling. It came in flavors like chocolate, chocolate caramel, vanilla, raspberry, and later on, other flavors. Whenever you got a craving to swallow down cake or a banana split, you were supposed to fuck your sweet tooth raw guilt-free by eating a 138 calorie Figurines bar.
The words on the ads were a mess and classic 1970s. Since everybody in the 1970s was diarrheaing their b-holes off by going on a juice cleanse, Pillsbury offered you a way to starve yourself with solid food.
Figurines are the new crispy, crunchy bar that give dieters the satisfaction of biting into good, solid food. Only about 138 calories a bar. Two Figurines give you the protein, vitamins and minerals of a complete meal. And a packet of two fits neatly into pocket or purse.
Why fight a losing battle with a diet liquid? Give your willpower a boost with Figurines. The delicious solid diet food that lets you munch… and munch… and munch.
And the commercial starred the one and only Carla Borelli, STAH of Falcon Crest, and featured her singing along the jingle to the tune of Tangerine and tells us that everyone is munching. Back in 1976, everyone was munching on a Figurines like they were Vivica Fox and that diet bar was 50 Cent’s ass.
Here’s another one with a song that will live in my head forever. She’s munching harder than Rosie O’Donnell on Poppers.
Pillsbury tried to bring back Figurines in the mid-80s, but it didn’t happen. What’s really sweet revenge is that the public denied Figurines by not buying them enough and here I am craving one. Now that’s sweEeeEeeEeEeeeE reveneEeeEeeeenge for Pillsbury!
Pics: Pinterest