The Huffington Post is reporting that the police are on the lookout for a man after he snatched an entire chainsaw from a store in Fresno, CA and shoved it down his pants. That’s one way to your Lorena Bobbitt yourself.
The Fresno Bee, covered this high-drama thriller. A man went into an equipment store on Wednesday afternoon, but he was not there to shop, he was there to lift! A surveillance camera caught the man taking a big-ass chainsaw and stuffing it down his pants. But his pants aren’t size XL-Chainsaw and so the top of the darn thing was sticking out of them! So he solved this by covering the rest of the chainsaw with his jacket so he could just look like a really large person waddling out of the store instead of suspicious. He then drove off in a silver late-1990s Ram pickup truck. WHO is this criminal? You shove a chainsaw down your pants and drive off in a car that’s 20 years old?! Girl, screw a chainsaw, you need to steal a car!
Owner of the store, Jeff Bennett, says that he thinks this man was not acting alone and in fact an accomplice was watching the location last week. I’m going to assume that this man was not working with an accomplice because the most important aspect of this crime has nothing to do with casing out the joint a week in advance and everything to do with not cutting your own dick off.
Fresno police want people to let them know if they recognize the man in the video or know anything about the theft. I’m sure the people of Fresno have nothing else to worry about and will be on the lookout for a 1990s Ram pickup carrying a stolen chainsaw.
I can’t imagine what would drive a man to steal a chainsaw apart from, like, there being tons of overgrown branches on his yard? And he had to cut them down to meet some zoning requirement? Because the only reason I can see someone needing a chainsaw so bad they have to steal it is murder-related. Here’s hoping no severed body parts show up around Fresno, but if they do we’ve found suspect #1 right here.