Open Post: Hosted By Heinz’s Latest Assault On Your Gag Reflex

April 4, 2019 / Posted by:

Heinz has taken a page out of Pizza Hunt’s STUNT QUEEN handbook and has whipped up some 100 proof fuckery in the name of a little media attention. For Valentine’s Day, Heinz gave away tiny jars of tomato ovary eggs, and they also straight-up stole from Mr. Show by barfing up MayoMust. And now they’ve decided to attack Jesus by releasing a pure abomination for his resurrection day. Jesus is going to show up again to slap down those sucio pieces of trash at Heinz for desecrating holy mayonnaise like this. Yes, Jesus loves mayo. Anybody with taste does!

Mayonnaise is made from egg whites, and Cadbury Creme Eggs are made from sugar, sugar, more sugar, even more sugar, keep going with the sugar, a drop of egg whites, and enough sugar to kill Augustus Gloop. So because it has some egg whites in it, Heinz decided to make mayonnaise out of it. They have mixed together Cadbury Creme Eggs and a dollop of Heinz mayo for Seriously Good Creme Egg Mayo. Those foolery-makers at Heinz must be so fucked up in the brains that they don’t know how to spell “gross” and spelled it as “good.”

The Evening Standard says that Heinz’s Creme Egg Mayo is only a limited-time stunt that is only available at their pop-up shop in London for a few days.

The Standard is assured the outlandish concoction isn’t a belated April Fools’ prank, and creme egg lovers and masochists alike can get their hands on a jar of the liquid hell at Ely’s Yard at the Truman Brewery, with the free event running from Thursday April 11 until Saturday April 13.

The pop-up will be open from 11am and 8pm on Thursday and Friday, while Saturday’s tastings will run from 11am to 4pm. The repellent hybrid won’t be available in shops.

Rachel Thompson, a writer for Mashable, was able to get a preview of this sweetened egg vomit and she ate it with fries. She also had some co-workers try it, and the verdict was:

I muster up the courage to dip two chips into the mayo. I chew and pause for a moment while I try and figure out what the hell I’ve just put in my mouth. I can no longer taste chips. All I can taste is the too-sweet-for-most-humans concoction that is currently assaulting my taste buds. “Nope,” I say to my colleagues. “Tastes like a cream cake.” That might have been too kind, though.

Some things just don’t belong together, like Chris Brown and any living thing, dick cheese and cake (dick cheese cheesecake!), and now mayo and Cadbury Creme. With that being said, I am happy that they’re not selling that grossness in stores in the U.S. Because I really don’t want my dog to wet heave after he walks into the kitchen at 3 in the morning and catches me eating spoonfuls of Creme Egg Mayo while crying at the state of my life. He’s already been through enough.

Pic: Heinz

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