I have not been keeping up with Alicia Keys. Last time I clocked her, she was on Empire, sitting at a white piano wailing about a post-racial society. On Empire! Then I stopped watching Empire so I have no idea what she’s up to these days. Turns out that besides cosplaying as the lovechild of Carmen Sandiego and Hamburglar, and ceremonially burning fake-eyelashes in her hearth, the 15-time Grammy award winner is going to host the 2019 Grammy Awards next month. And according to USA Today, she’ll be the first woman to do so in 14 years since Queen Latifah hosted in 2005. In case you’re scratching your head like me trying to remember who the fuck else has hosted the Grammys, I can tell you that they went hostless from 2006 – 2011. Then LL Cool J hosted from 2012 to 2016, and James Corden did it in 2017 and 2018.
Alicia posted a long ass promo video of her “finding out” that she was hosting (there’s a reason she never made it as an actress) and getting reaction shots from her husband Swizz Beatz (could not care less) and her kids Egypt and Genesis (could not care even lesser).
— Alicia Keys (@aliciakeys) January 15, 2019
According to Variety, she also said:
“I know what it feels like to be on that stage, and I’m going to bring that vibe and energy,” Keys said in the official Grammy announcement. “I’m so excited to be the master of ceremonies on the biggest night in music and celebrate the creativity, power and, magic. I’m especially excited for all the incredible women nominated this year! It’s going “UP” on February 10!”
Personally, I think it would have been the gag of the century if they had picked Nicki Minaj to host this year. She didn’t get nominated for anything so we know she ain’t busy! Can you imagine? Cardi B was nominated for 5 awards. I’d actually tune in to watch that shit. As it stands, barring any unforeseen drama, I don’t think I’ll be watching Alicia’s big night. I’m all for her sans fards philosophy in theory, but the blind mole rat look gives me the heebie jeebies.