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The Breath Blasters!

In 2018, the likes of Harry Styles, Johnny Depp, Bella Thorne, Justin Bieber, and Post Malone are probably causing nostrils to close up and skin to burn with their rank breath. But back in the 1980s, it was the Breath Blasters who were making people say, “I wish I wasn’t born with the sense of smell, and I also wish I wasn’t born with the sense of taste, because I can definitely taste what is coming out of their mouths.”

The Breath Blasters were a line of tiny, rubbers toys that mouth-farted out a stench when you squeezed their heads. There were characters like George Garbagemouth (“That’s what I call George when he recites lines from Batman & Robin” said Amal Clooney), Deathbreath, Victor Vomit, Ms. Morningmouth, and Mackerel Mouth. I don’t remember this, but Wikipedia says they were broken down into categories like Stench Bros., Veggies, Nature Crew, B.O. Boys, and Gasser Guys. No word if a Breath Blaster’s breath spelled like asparagus piss.

Below is an ad for Rude Ralph featuring the Breath Blasters:

The Breath Blasters later became the Stink Blasters. The truth is, I never inhaled what came out of a Breath Blaster (or maybe I blocked it out), but Axlon, the makers of that mess, told The Chicago Tribune at the time that their toys didn’t totally smell like a diarrhea fart wrapped around a tonsil stone:

”It’s not enough to make anybody sick,” says Jim Simmons, Axlon`s marketing director, ”but it`s enough to make the little girl next door go, Yuck!”` It is Simmons` theory that 9-year-old boys are chief source of demand for gross toys.

There’s a rumor that Breath Blasters were later banned for being toxic. I couldn’t find any confirmed proof of this, but judging by how many messed-up 30-somethings I know (you know who you are, including myself), I wouldn’t be surprised if the stench from Breath Blasters melted our brains.

Pic: Pinterest