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October 22, 2018 / Posted by:

Baby Wurble!

Either my brain protected me (FOR ONCE) and ejected the nightmare memory of Baby Wurble from my mind or I never knew what a Baby Wurble was in the first place. But my computer got possessed by the dark-sided furry spirit of Baby Wurble and his “Try to exorcise me, Norton!” creepy eyes when reader Jennifer dropped him into my inbox as a HSOTD nomination.

Baby Wurble was a demonic teddy bear who was made using the butt hairs of Lucifer, the eyeballs plucked from the corpse of a serial killer, and the heart of a human virgin that was sacrificed to Satan. Baby Wurble was put out by a company named Cuddle Wit, and I didn’t check, but I’m pretty sure their headquarters was based in the Ninth Circle. Baby Wurble (which sounds like what you’d call it when a baby burps while warbling out words, so basically like Ariana Grande singing) was a teddy bear who responded to light by making high-pitched sounds. So you’d walk in front of him and he’d let out a warble. Not scary at all.

The instructions that Baby Wurble came with stated to shake him regularly to keep his fur shiny (read: to keep him awake so he can continue to eat souls with his eyes) and to not put him in the bathtub because that would make him very unhappy. So basically, he was the evil baby of an Ewok and a Mogwai.

I couldn’t find any videos of Baby Wurble in action. This may be the only time when I’m grateful that the internet has come up short. Because I really don’t feel like getting my soul sucked out of me by a teddy bear. Although, the joke would be on Baby Wurble, because I don’t have a soul anymore. HAHA on you, bitch.

Pic: eBay

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