Regurgitating mama bird Alicia Silverstone, 41, finalized her split from her husband of 13 years (whom she’s been with for 20), Christopher Jarecki, 41, by filing for divorce yesterday, according to The Blast. There’s no word on how they’re going to handle custody of their one child, son Bear Blu, 6. Has anyone asked Bear what HE wants? He’s probably willing to go and live with Crazy Aunt Dionne to escape having his mom feeding him from her mouth again. How long does that go on for anyway? Has he graduated to vegan Uncrustables yet? If not, can he?
As mentioned previously, the statement from Alicia’s rep is the usual celebrity divorce declaration of “we love each other but there is no way we are sharing a bed ever again in this life or the next one cuz’ enough is enough.”
“They still deeply love and respect each other and remain very close friends but have mutually decided to separate after being together for 20 years. They have a son together who they will continue to co-parent,” Silverstone’s rep said in a statement to PEOPLE when they announced their split in February.
It wouldn’t be a People story without a rehashing of how lovely their engagement and wedding was to really rub in the fact that it all burned to ashes.
The engagement involved wicker furniture, which is always a harbinger of doom.
“He was waiting on our old wicker love seat, ring in hand, with the most beautiful proposal any best friend could ever give,” she explained.
Cher Horowitz and her gorgeously tressed ex married in a barefoot ceremony on Lake Tahoe in 2005. After the ceremony, everyone sat around a bonfire, sang Beatles songs, and ate vegan hamburgers. Hopefully, there was some vegan booze to wash down that wedding meal. That’s the kind of wedding where you absolutely rocket to the nearest drive-thru on the way home.
This story is a depressing example of how veganism ruins lives. Stay fat and happy by eating all the processed food you can. Your marriage will thank you.