Only God Can Make Oprah Run For President

February 28, 2018 / Posted by:

West Coasters, be on the lookout for a team of scientists wheeling a lightning machine up the road to make some fake sky pyrotechnics in the name of G-O-D outside Oprah’s Montecito mansion. Mama O says the only thing that will make her enter the hornet’s nest of presidential politics is if the man (or lady!) upstairs gives her a clear sign.

Oprah’s out promoting A Wrinkle In Time, and the Oprah 2020 chatter came up again. Oprah claims to People she was surprised her Golden Globes speech trended after basically calling out the world for being so dark and saying that light was around the corner. Don’t be such a dunce, Oprah. Of course everyone’s going to crazy by the idea of you turning the State of the Union into an Oprah’s Favorite Things episode is way more enchanting than just 90 minutes blabbing on about infrastructure. Oprah said others seemed to agree (including BFF Gayle King):

“I had people—wealthy, billionaires—calling me up and saying, ‘I can get you a billion dollars. I can run your campaign.’ That many people saying something made me think, ‘Am I at least supposed to look at the question?’”

By look at the question, I envision she’s going to take all 900 of her dogs to her quaint cottage (likely still eight times the size of the average family home), sip on some tequila, and pull out a list of all the infractions Donald Trump’s Twitter account has made against all the hippie teachings she had from 25 years on daytime TV. After seeing he’s violated 2320489734 Super Soul Sunday lessons in the last hour, I would think that’d be enough to get her to throw her hat in. However, she also said she’ll be looking for some holy help, too:

“I went into prayer. ‘God, if you think I’m supposed to run, you gotta tell me, and it has to be so clear that not even I can miss it.’ And I haven’t gotten that.”

You mean we’re going to need divine intervention or risk four more years of Trump? Fine, someone just leave a case of Pinot Grigio at the Oprah estate front gate. What? Free box of wine, no strings attached? That’d be a sign from above in my book.


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