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February 18, 2018 / Posted by:

The Purr-tenders!

The name “Purr-tenders” sounds like the name of a Pretenders cover band of cats who do reworked covers called I’ll Stand By You (But Only If You Have Food Or Plan To Pet Me, Otherwise Fuck You), I Go To Sleep (Because You Fucking Bore Me), and Back On The Chain Gang (Is Where You’ll End Up When Us Pussies Finally Take Over). But sadly, my favorite cover band of all-time doesn’t exist yet. Purr-tenders was the name of a short-lived line of plushies by Hallmark and Fisher-Price from the, wait for it, 80s. The gimmick of the Purr-tenders was both ridiculous and depressing.

The Purr-tenders were a bunch of ¬†cats who were being sold at a pet store. No human wanted to buy them, so they can up with a scam to trick humans into bringing them home. They disguised themselves as other animals, like bunnies, ducks, teddy bears, mice, birds and dogs. One time when I was a kid, I diarrhea’d my shorty shorts in school because the teacher wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom (okay, it was last week), but that humiliation I experienced was nothing like the humiliation that the Purr-tenders suffered while having to do dog drag to get bought by dumb humans!

If the Purr-tender felt that they were cared for and could trust the stupid human who fell for their grift and their masterful Party City clearance section disguise, they started to purr, exposing themselves as a scheming pussy! This commercial wants you to think that the kid was okay with being duped and didn’t return the im-purr-ster to the pet store or turn them into the police for committing fraud!

That toy makes no sense, really. I don’t think a cat would ever be content with a human who bought them thinking they were another animal. They wouldn’t purr, because they’d be too busy getting revenge by scratching that human’s face off for wanting to buy a bird of a damn dog instead.

Pic: This Old Toy

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