My dog is almost 16 years old (that’s “Larry King” in dog years) and so he’s either reached the age where he can’t hold his piss anymore or he’s reached the age where he doesn’t give a shit enough to hold his piss. So whenever he’s inside, he’s gotta wear a diaper (he’s my current fashion icon, honestly). Yesterday was the first time in a long time when he didn’t piss in his pooch Pamper. He must’ve been feeling extra fresh and gorgeous, which explains why it looked like he was thinking to himself, “That raggedy homely thing ain’t got shit on me,” when he looked up at the screen as I watched the crowning of the winner of the 142nd Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show last night.
The annual beauty pageant for purebreds was held at Madison Square Garden in NYC this week, and for the second time in Westminster history, a a living cloud with black toy marble eyes won Best In Show. Flynn the Bichon Frise (official show name: Belle Creek’s All I Care About Is Love) took the title, beating the giant schnauzer (who was runner-up), a Sussex spaniel, a borzoi, a border collie, a Norfolk terrier, and a BBP (a big beautiful pug) named Biggie who seemed to be the people’s choice.
When judge Betty-Anne Stenmark announced (at the 26:00 mark in the video below) that an exploding Q-Tip won Best In Show, some hating pieces of trash in the audience booed (BIGGIE PROBABLY PAID THEM!). But I say fuck the haters with a limp red rocket, because Flynn deserves it. He deserves it for the simple fact that if you get really stoned and look at him, he’d probably look like Betty White’s hair with eyes and a mouth.
The Best In Show winner doesn’t get any money, but they do get a trophy that would maybe get a few coins at the pawn shop. So if you’re watching Westminster next year and see me showing a “Bichon” named Concepcion and think to yourself that my purebred pooch looks a lot like a dog sculpture made out of cotton balls and anal bead eyes, keep your lips shut and don’t ruin my perfect scam!