In “I Believe That Children Are The Future” News, Teenagers Are Eating Tide Laundry Pods

January 13, 2018 / Posted by:

It’s understandable that a toddler might chow down on one of those Tide laundry pods. They’re colorful and squishy. Senior citizens with dementia are understandable, too (unfortunately there’s been deaths). But the news cycle this week was rife with panicky tales of high schoolers becoming deathly ill from eating them to fulfill a YouTube challenge. They ARE candy colorful, sure, and a challenge is a challenge but WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Finally, old people angrily shaking their walkers at “these goddamn kids” makes perfect sense.

This all started after there were a few reports about little kids eating them (The Onion later posted a column written from the point of a view of a toddler wanting to chow down.) And then last year, the American Association of Poison Control Centers received over 10,000 reports of children five and under being exposed to pods. This is why child cages are necessary. (Playpens are no good, they need to be contained on all sides.) USA Today reports that the Tide Pod Challenge started after a SATIRICAL vid was posted on on College Humor. Kids are recording themselves putting them in their mouths. AND COOKING WITH THEM? Meet Marc (via CBS News). Kids like him are the reason why I’m barren.

Nineteen-year-old Marc Pagan, who did it on a dare, told CBS News he knew better but did it anyway.

“A lot of people were just saying how stupid I was or how – why would I be willing to do that,” he said. “No one should be putting anything like that in their mouths, you know?”

We do, but if you need a reminder, Live Science explains why it’s so dangerous to suck on a bunch of chemicals designed to remove tough stains.

Serious health effects of laundry-pod exposure seen in children include severe vomiting, severe breathing trouble, burns to the esophagus, and coma, as well as burns to the eyes and skin, according to the National Capital Poison Center, an accredited poison control center in Washington, D.C.

It’s terrifying that this needs to be explained to an able-brained human who hopes to go on to college and then maybe rule the world. But just in case, show your child a pod and say “NO. DO NOT EAT. NO. WE HAVE TRISCUITS. YOUTUBE IS NOT YOUR LEADER.” Or have The Gronk tell them.

Seriously, though, who would want to eat one of those? They have a very weird tactile situation going on. They feel like they’re going to burst and scald your hand at any moment, right? No thanks. They don’t even get you high!

Pic: P&G

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