Santa Claus Is Dead

October 5, 2017 / Posted by:

You don’t let your moppets read Dlisted right? If so, WHAT KIND OF PARENT ARE YOU? Because The Guardian has a story about the death of Santa Claus. No child should find out their deity is dead via a celebrity gossip blog. But yeah, Santa’s tomb has supposedly been discovered. Happy holidays!

Archaeologists have discovered “an intact temple and burial grounds” underneath the Church of St. Nicholas in Antalya, Turkey. And they’re pretty sure they’re going to find Santa’s body. After they’re done decimating the hopes and dreams of the planet’s children, they should be sure to discover the graves of the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. It’s an exciting new field of archaeology!

“We have obtained very good results but the real work starts now,” said Cemil Karabayram, the director of surveying and monuments in Antalya. “We will reach the ground and maybe we will find the untouched body of Saint Nicholas.”

Previously, Turkey was only notable for those prisons in which 1970s gay sex fantasies were based. All this time, comfort and joy have been six feet under that church.

St. Nicholas was the 4th-century Christian saint who inspired the Santa Claus legend. According to Wikipedia, he was born in Lycia in Asia Minor (which is now Turkey). And then there’s some more history stuff.

In his youth he made a pilgrimage to Egypt and the Palestine area. Shortly after his return he became Bishop of Myra and was later cast into prison during the persecution of Diocletian. He was released after the accession of Constantine and was present at the Council of Nicaea. In 1087, Italian merchants took his body from Myra, bringing it to Bari in Italy.

So, yeah, historians had thought that the rotund giver of children’s wishes was buried at the St Nicholas Basilica in Bari, Italy. But no – now they’re saying the remains are in Turkey. Thieves stole him back to his homeland! (Does anyone else feel like they’re being debriefed by Indiana Jones?)

Based on documents obtained from the area, Turkish archaeologists now believe the remains belonged to a local priest rather than the saint, whose body may still be within the temple complex. The theft probably took place after the church was burned down and was being restored.

The history n’ dirt nerds used “ground-penetrating radars” to discover the intact temple. They can’t go in just yet because “stone reliefs and mosaics” also located within have to be preserved.

St. Nick (who was known for giving presents in secret) eventually became known as Sinterklaas in the Netherlands. That dude became Santa Claus and Dutch colonists brought the legend to the US. And that’s why you have to clothesline other adults in toy stores every holiday season to get that certain toy for Mackenzie and Sailor. Although, you might not have to now cuz’ he’s close to being declared officially dead Yay? *sad-face*


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