Cristiano Ronaldo’s Twins Might Have Been Born

June 11, 2017 / Posted by:

Charbroiled fútbol star (and alleged possible rapist?) Cristiano Ronaldo might be the proud father of twins, according to reports out of Portugal (via The Sun – which is Cristiano’s favorite paper, for obvious reasons).

Despite earlier reports that he was having twin sons, it looks like he’s now the proud “papai” (I get all my Portuguese from Google Translate because I can’t afford Rosetta Stone) of a boy and a girl. Eva and Mateo reportedly said “Olá!” to the world for the first time on Thursday, according to Portuguese TV channel, SIC. Cristiano’s camp hasn’t confirmed the happy news, but “several Portuguese websites and newspapers” are running with it.

Eva and Mateo were carried by a surrogate, who reportedly resides on the west coast here in the US. The surrogate who birthed his 6-year-old son Cristiano Jr. was supposedly from San Diego. Southern California is apparently Surrogate World with fecund ladies just waiting to carry your child for you. Hey, it probably pays better than waitressing.

Gay rumors have glistened off Cristiano’s bronzed skin for several years now, but he is reportedly still dating “Spanish beauty” Georgina Rodriguez (“Ahem. The only ‘beauty’ is this story should be ME!” – Cristiano). As Michael K reported previously, when Cristiano is out kicking balls, his mom Dolores will help out with the childcare.

Taking care of your grandkids on a regular basis is God’s work. “Mãe” Dolores (I am REALLY mastering the language) probably thought that her child-rearing days were over after her bronzed youngest penalty-kicked out of the nest. Sure, she probably has an army of nannies and servants to help out (he’s the world’s highest paid athlete, according to Wikipedia) and probably just has to supervise. But still, a 6-year-old and newborn twins. That’s some fresh hell right there. You have to make sure the oldest kid isn’t out setting the fires while simultaneously making sure the twins are fed and cleaned.

My brother is a single dad to a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old and Mom Harvey helps out with childcare in a big way. After a day with those demonic imps, she’s about ready to check into assisted living and start using one of those go-karts for the infirmed. Directing the governess to attend to the children must be hard work, too!


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