Hot Slut Of The Day!

Toomgis, ampm’s nightmare-inducing junk food monster from stoner hell!

Last night as I slowly slipped into a booze, weed and leftover-from-Easter-jelly-beans coma on the couch, my soul once again screamed “SANTO DIOS!” when another ampm commercial starring this horrific snack beast farted up onto my TV screen. In case you don’t know what an “ampm” is, it’s a chain of convenience stores and gas stations that are mostly in the US. I guess the messes who are in charge of ampm’s marketing ate a bunch of edibles during a brainstorming session and decided to show up Puppymonkeybaby and Snickers’ plastic lady pimp of nightmares by creating Toomgis.

According to ampm’s site, Toomgis is short for “Too Much Good Stuff.” They should’ve called his ass Toomufuni (Too Much Fucking Nightmares®) instead. But then again, “toomgis” sounds like the name of a tumor that forms on your gums due to too much gingivitis, so I guess it works. Toomgis seems to live in the ampm and lives to terrorize the customers. Here’s ampm’s explanation of the terrifying monster they created:

Some say Toomgis fell to earth from snack heaven. Others believe he was created as part of a delicious science experiment gone horribly right. But that’s all just hearsay. What we do know is Toomgis is made up of Too Much Good Stuff ®. He’s a friendly, gentle giant comprised of over a hundred different kinds of food and drinks, and 35 kinds of generosity and kindness.

If Mama June knew how to write and wrote the Harry Potter series, that’s what Hagrid would look like. If Brit Brit Spears also knew how to write and wrote Where The Wild Things are, it’d be called Where The Nom Nom Things Are and Toomgis is what Carol would look like. I bet Mama June and  Brit Brit would double team the hell out of Toomgis.

I don’t know if there’s enough good shit in the world for me to find Toomgis delicious or cute. But you know, I would lift up his potato chips skirt to see what kind of beef hot dog he’s working with.