The cockatoo is my favorite bird, because duh, it’s got cock in its name and some of them can teach all of us how to properly curse a trick out.
Meet 20-year-old Pebble, a Canadian citizen cockatoo who currently lives at the Saskatoon Parrot Rescue in Rosthern, Saskatchewan. The parrot rescue shot a video where one of its staffers Kelly talks about how round cages are bad for a cockatoo’s nerves and overall mental health situation. About 45 seconds into the video, Kelly lets Pebble know that he’s about to destroy the hell out of that cage. It takes about 2 seconds to realize that nobody hates that cage more than Pebble does because that bird spits out a fuck word-infused rant that’d make Quentin Tarantino reach for the soap. Pebble’s version of “whoop that trick” is pretty much nothing but the f word. I also think I heard “wanker” and maybe a “cunt” or two. Pebble threw the kind of fit that a spoiled rat would throw if his parents canceled his Xbox Live subscription, but of course, Pebble does it better.
I know Pebble is Canadian, but I still wish she could come to the US and moderate one of the presidential debates. She’d be perfect! I also wish that I could adopt Pebble, because she’d make the best door greeter and phone answerer. And I’d take her in the car with me, so that she could perfectly curse out a trick who cut me off. I want Pebble to teach me her ways. I want Pebble to be the ‘Enry ‘Iggins to my Eliza Doolittle. “The fucking rain in fucking Spain stays fucking mainly on the fucking plain.”