Proof There Is A Higher Power Looking Out For Us

March 18, 2014 / Posted by:

If this isn’t proof of divine intervention from a merciful god or an all-knowing plate of cheese fries (whichever you choose to believe in), then I don’t know what is. According to TMZ, one of Miley Cyrus’s tour buses, who’s nickname is either The Big Itchy or Toxic Thunder, burst into flames Monday night while travelling from Houston to New Orleans after a a tire exploded. The bus was carrying Miley’s sister Noah and her mother, the elegant Nashville pussywillow Trish Cyrus, both of whom managed to escape unharmed.

There’s no black box on a tour bus, so we’ll never really know what happened, but I have a theory. After running out of things in her tour bus to rub her dirty possum pouch against, Miley starts getting creative and looks to the exterior of the bus for things to hump on. First she tries the exhaust pipe, but her toxic snatch corrodes the chrome and it crumbles into a pile of rust dust. Then she tries the side mirrors, but they spontaneously shatter when they catch the reflection of her Fright Night face. Refusing to give up, she spots a tour bus tire and ecstatically backs her b-hole onto it.

At first the tire reassures itself that it will all be over soon, but Miley won’t stop, and she twerks so fast and so aggressively that she wears the tire treads down to nothing. Eventually there’s too much friction between Miley’s Hank Hill ass and the rubber, and the tire bursts into flames. At which point, Miley begins humping on the fire, which leads to Miley humping on a gauze bandages and a whole mess of Polysporin. Of course, this is only a theory, but I’m confident in my hypothesis.

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