Don’t Hate Carrot Top Because He’s Beautiful

November 18, 2013 / Posted by:

I don’t totally regret missing panty pudding-inducing sex vegetable, Carrot Top, on Oprah: Where Are They Now? (via HuffPo) last night, because I spent my Sunday night getting drunk on light beer (which is an impossible feat and requires A LOT of work) while watching the Golden Girls Marathon Channel known as TVLand for hours. But I do regret not programming my DVR to record all things Carrot Top-related, because it’s embarrassing that I, a self-proclaimed Carrotarian who gets the drips from staring at his Doritos-crusted abs, missed a Carrot Top event! For shame!

Anyway, on last night’s Oprah: Where Are They Now?, Carrot Versatile Bottom talked about how he did a Comedy Central Roast once and one of the comics said that he looks like Eric Stoltz as Rocky Dennis. CT was offended by this, because he doesn’t think he looks that different from when he first started doing comedy. CT told his funniest joke of all time when he said that he hasn’t really had any plastic surgery:

“People think I’ve had plastic surgery — no, it just takes a lot of makeup to make me look good…. I’m sorry that I look good. I don’t think I look anything different than I did when I started [in comedy].”

It’s obvious that hating whores are only throwing shit bombs at Carrot Top, because they’re jealous that they don’t have a face that looks like that of a beautiful woman sculpted out of a sausage cheese log and a body that looks like that of a freckled He-Man doll. I believe CT when he says that he’s never been touched by a plastic surgeon’s scalpel (no, I don’t) and his beauty comes from nature and a bottle of foundation, but let’s compare a picture of him from 1999 and a picture of him from last month anyway.


You know what’s going on here, right? It’s the power of an exquisite eyebrow situation! A stunning pair of eyebrows took Carrot Top from “normal-looking person” to a ginger god who looks like Pennywise in Jackie Stallone drag. So don’t hate Carrot Top for being beautiful, hate his eyebrow threader.

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