Squinty Zellweger No More

October 30, 2013 / Posted by:

During today’s performance of The Color Purple, I will be playing the role of Harpo, you will be playing the role of Squeak and Renee Zellweger will be playing the role of the woman whose face you don’t know anymore because she pulled that shit into a new identity.

Former beard extraordinaire Renee Zellweger and her boyfriend  Sideshow Bob’s cool uncle Doyle Bramhall II went to the Armani One Night Only event in NYC a week ago and as Celebitchy points out, she had on a different face. Today started out as a glorious day (see: Guy Fieri’s slappy lovers quarrel video) and it’s turned into a sad face kind of day, because I can no longer type the name Squinty Zellweger since I don’t think bitch can even squint that hard anymore. Is Renee Zellweger still Renee Zellweger if she no longer looks like she just sucked off a Lemonhead and brushed her tongue with the sour body dandruff of a dozen Sour Patch Kids?

I bet that after her surgeon did whatever they did to her face, she opened her eyes all the way and for the first time in decades, she didn’t see life in letterbox format anymore.

What did you do, Renee?! We have to go back! WE HAVE TO GO BACK! I am happy for Renee that she no longer looks like a stoned turkey who’s concentrating hard while pushing out a stubborn shit. But I am unhappy for myself, because I can no longer call her Squinty. “Open Widey Zellweger” just isn’t the same.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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