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August 13, 2013 / Posted by:

Tree Lice (born name: Crape Myrtle aphid)!

A few Catholics in Fresno, California are praying around a “miracle weeping tree” outside of St. John’s Cathedral, because they believe that the tree is crying out God’s tears. One of the church’s parishioners, Maria Ybarra, told WPTV (via Buzzfeed) that she was one of the first chosen ones who felt God’s tears fall from the tree and now everyone’s worshiping around it. Well, those aren’t God’s tears falling on Maria. It’s tree lice shit! SANTO DIOS! God wasn’t crying before, but now he really is crying, because he can’t believe this shit.

Maria says that she knows it’s a miracle tree, because when her and others say, “Glory be to God in Jesus name,” the tree starts throwing out more water (aka tree lice diarrhea). Another parishioner also believes in bug shit tree. She said, “I said my prayer and asked the Lord to give me a miracle cause I’m really, really sick.”

Fresno arborist Jon Reelhorn told WPTV some shit that your cousin Maria refuses to believe. Jon says that the tree they’re worshiping around is the Crape Myrtle tree and aphids suck the sap out of it and then “the sap goes through the aphid and then it is a honey dew excrement from the aphid and it gets so heavy in the summertime that it will drip down.” The tree in front of St. John’s isn’t that special, because every Crape Myrtle tree on the street is also sharting out honey dew caca.

But Maria isn’t hearing any of that scientific fact foolery and she’s going to continue to pray in front of a rain of aphid shit, “I can tell you looking at it from a scientific standpoint and a spiritual standpoint it is the work of God manifesting here on earth.” Does Maria realize she’s saying that God is showing himself through aphid caca? Oh, Maria.

The aphid is the HSOTD in all of this, because up in that tree it’s developing a Lady CaCa complex as it watches people worship it’s honey dew poo. But you know, we all need something to believe in and aphid shit isn’t even in the top ten stupidest things to worship  (see: Chris Brown, Lady CaCa, Twilight, etc…).

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